DESPONDENT

DESPONDENT

laying despondently on the bathroom floor
my heart has broken into two
could I possibly have done more?
I thought I gave it all
suffered just for you
but you don't quite see it the same
you have only me to blame
and I must leave it in my Lord's bleeding hands
cleanse me, Lord, as you would a lamb
and please mend my broken heart

LETTER TO MY SISTER

 SO I WASN'T BORN WITH POLIO
YET YOU STILL HOLD IT AGAINST ME
FOR SOME SILLY REASON.
EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE BORN
A YEAR AND A HALF BEFORE ME.
HOW CAN THAT BE HELPED?
HOW CAN I CHANGE IT?
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME NOW?
DONT'T YOU BELIEVE THAT WAS
GOD'S PLAN ALL ALONG,
YOUR CROSS TO BEAR, SO TO SPEAK?
AND A LOT OF GOOD THAT HAS DONE ME.
NO GRACE AND FORGIVENESS FROM YOU.
HOW CAN I CHANGE IT?
WHAT CAN I SAY?
WHAT CAN I DO?
APOLOGIZING TO YOU IS JUST NOT THE THING TO DO
AND I'VE DONE SO 'TIL I'M BLUE IN THE FACE.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
IF I COULD CHANGE THINGS I WOULD.
IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE'NT SUFFERED.
JUST LOOK AT THE PAIN I'M IN NOW.
AND DOESN'T IT MATTER TO YOU THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE FAVORITE
OUT OF ONLY THE TWO OF US, AND THAT HURTS MORE THAN WORDS OR RHYMES OR STORIES CAN CONVEY.
SO I THINK NOW
IT IS TIME TO STOP COMPLAINING SO WE CAN BOTH GO ON OUR WAY.
AND WHILE I'M SAYING WHAT I WANT TO SAY,
THINGS WOULD BE A LITTLE EASIER FOR YOU AND  ME IF YOU WOULD JUST WALK THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW.
JUST FOLLOW THE SIGN THAT HAS THE ARROW.
IT'S NOT HARD TO MISS.
IT SAYS 'THIS WAY'.

 

MY REFUGE

I'M UNWORTHY OF GOD'S GRACE.
I'M A SINNER AND ASHAMED.
I'VE LED A LIFE OF DEGRADATION,
DISGRACEFULNESS,
HUMILIATION.
RAISED BY A BAPTIST PREACHER GRANDFATHER
WHO SCARED ME WITH HIS VISIONS
OF BRIMSTONE AND FIRE.
AND MY DAD WAS WORSE
WITH HIS NEGLECT AND ABUSE,
NOT TO MENTION THE UNCEASING
TEASING I RECEIVED
BY THE REST OF THE FAMILY.
ALTHOUGH TO THIS DAY
THEY ABSOLUTELY REFUTE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
MAYBE THAT WAS THE LORD'S PLAN
BECAUSE WHO ELSE DID I HAVE TO TURN TO,
WHO ELSE WOULD ACCEPT ME,
WHERE ELSE COULD I RUN?
JESUS WAS MY SALVATION,
IN HIM I FOUND ACCEPTANCE.
HE DIDN'T ASK ME TO CHANGE,
JUST OPENED HIS HEART
AND THERE I RAN
AND THERE I SHALL STAY.

 

 

 

 

 

THE CROSS

I WISH I COULD FLY AWAY

FROM THIS MORTAL COIL.

GROW WINGS,

BE FREE.

FLY AWAY FROM MY PROBLEMS

FROM THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HURT

AND REJECTED ME,

WHO GOSSIP ABOUT ME WITHOUT REPRISE

OR EVEN KNOWLEDGE OF THE WAY I'M COMPRISED.

IS THERE ANY PEACE LEFT IN THIS WORLD?

WHERE IS THE GARDEN, WHERE IS THE REST?

MUST I WAIT UNTIL I'M DEAD TO BE CONTENT?

OR CAN I LAY IN THE SHADOW OF THE CROSS,

BE CONTENT AND PROTECTED IN HIS WINGS?

THE CROSS, THE CROSS,

EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON THE CROSS.

WITHOUT GOD'S SACRIFICE,

WE ALL OF US WOULD BE LOST.

BUT FOR HIS GRACE (RVD)

LORD, PLEASE HELP ME TO FORGIVE
THOSE WHO DON'T SEEM TO CARE,
THE SO-CALLED FRIENDS AND RELATIVES
WHO'VE BROUGHT INTO MY EXISTENCE
NOTHING BUT HURT, ANGER AND DESPAIR.
DON'T I HAVE ENOUGH TO CONTEND
WITH THE PHYSICAL PAIN I SUFFER DAY-TO-DAY?
WHY ADD THE DISDAIN,
COMPLAIN,
RIDICULE AND CONTEMPT,
THE INEPTITUDE,
THE ATTITUDE?
WHY CAN'T I BE MORE LIKE YOU?
WHY CAN'T I BE SURROUNDED BY THE TRUE SAINTS,
THE ONES WHO GIVE YOU PRAISE?
I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE IT,
BUT JUST A LITTLE WOULD GO A LONG WAY.
THIS LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH
LIVING WITH THE RABBLE AND RIFF-RAFF,
THE UNWANTED, THE TRASH.
BUT, OH, LORD, BUT FOR YOUR GRACE,
I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY.

Peace

God is my hope

He is my strength

on His rock will I stand

He opens a window

He holds my hand

He walks beside me

His footsteps I see

His path is the only way

I have strayed

been lied to and betrayed

Jesus has given me a second chance

opened His arms

welcomed me home

He is my peace

my fortress

my Lord

Jesus Saves

I open my heart for all to see
I share my soul for company
I write
I pray
do you know who I am?
this isn't me
do you understand?
no matter what you believe or say
I know that Jesus is the only way

WHY? (RVD)

my words give me away
my eyes show it all
I cannot hide from you
my heart bleeds
my soul aches
the tears flow
the pain is evermore
give my refuge
give me peace
let me rest
from this wickedness
the world is lost
they don't care
but I know you do
because
you sacrificed
your only son
for the lost

another day

another day
another chance to make things right
will she listen this time to what I have to say?
how do I get through?
I guess all I can do for now is pray
so I leave it in your hands, Lord
I put it on your desk
please don't ignore my gentle request
for I don't know how much longer I can stand to be
without her
the days drag by
I am so tired of crying
I want to be happy again
have her back in my life once more
share in her joys
show her that I've never stopped caring
loving
wanting
my heart has not stopped breaking

UNTITLED (UPDATED WITH SCRIPTURE)

LORD, PLEASE REVEAL THE TRUTH.

SHINE THROUGH THE LIES,

THE CLOUDS,

THE DARKNESS,

THIS SHROUD.

I AM SO TIRED OF BEING BLAMED.

I DID NOT DO IT,

I AM NOT ASHAMED.

I MAY NOT BE INNOCENT,

BUT THIS IS NOT MY FAULT.

SO PLEASE

BE

MY ADVOCATE.

STAND BY MY SIDE.

I BEG YOU, LORD,

FIGHT FOR ME.

HELP ME TO FIND THE WORDS,

EXPLAIN AWAY,

DON'T GIVE ME WHAT I DESERVE.

TAKE AWAY THIS STRIFE.

I SET ASIDE

MY APPETITE

AND GIVE TO YOU

MY LIFE.






1 JOHN 4:10
THIS IS LOVE: NOT THAT WE LOVED GOD, BUT THAT HE LOVED US AND SENT HIS SON AS AN ATONING SACRIFICE FOR OUR SINS.

SING A NEW SONG (CHANGE YOUR TUNE)

SING A NEW SONG,

PUT JOY IN YOUR HEART.

FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT YOU,

COUNT THE COST.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO HOLD ON.

LETTING GO IS FOR THE BEST.

HOLDING ON JUST HURTS YOUR OWN HEART,

BRINGS BITTERNESS AND PAIN.

SPOILS YOUR SOUL,

STAINS.

YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF

WHEN YOU HOLD ON.

CHANGE YOUR TUNE,
WIPE YOUR FEET,
STOP POINTING YOUR FINGER AT THEM,
AND

MOVE ON.

RAMBLINGS FROM A CONTENTED SOUL

TODAY IS A NEW DAY,

A BEGINNING,

ANOTHER CHANCE TO DO THINGS RIGHT,

TO GLORIFY MY LORD,

WALK IN HIS PATH,

SHINE MY LIGHT,

FORGIVE,

MOVE FORWARD,

NOT LOOK BACK,

FOCUS ON THE HORIZON,

THE SUN SHINING ON MY HEAD,

HOPE IN MY HEART

INSTEAD OF DREAD.

GOD IS MY REDEEMER,

HE GAVE HIS ONLY SON.

HE LOVES ME THAT MUCH,

MORE THAN ANYONE.

HE KNIT ME TOGETHER,

HE'S GATHERED MY TEARS.

HE'S REPLACED SORROW FOR GLADNESS,

EVIL FOR GOOD,

HEALED MY OPEN WOUNDS,

UNDERSTOOD.

I WILL NEVER REPLACE HIM,

HE HOLDS MY HEART IN HIS HANDS,

HE'S MY DELIVERER,

MY ROCK ON WHICH I STAND.
AMEN.

AWAY

 

HAVING TO BE
ON A RESPIRATOR FOR THREE
DAYS
HAS A WAY
OF CHANGING YOUR LIFE
IF YOU LET IT.
MY MIND WAS SOMEWHERE ELSE,
SILENTLY WANDERING
THE FOUR CORNERS OF THIS WORLD.
I DON'T REMEMBER,
BUT I KNOW THAT I WAS THERE.
TRAVELING AROUND THE GLOBE,
WALKING IN EXOTIC PLACES,
AWAY FROM MY HOME,
TELLING ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN
ALL ABOUT THE MAJESTY WE CALL LORD.
FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS
OF MY BRAVE ANCESTORS
WHO LEFT THE COMFORTS
TO SPREAD THE WORD.
OH,
IF I COULD JUST GO.
IF I WASN'T SO SCARED AND FRAGILE,
AFRAID OF BEING ALONE.
WALK THE SACRED PATHS,
PROCLAIM GOD'S LOVE AND SACRIFICE
THROUGHOUT HIS UNIVERSE.

 

 

 

TIRED (RVD)

I'M TIRED OF THE BATTLE,
TIRED OF THE STORM.
TIRED OF FIGHTING.
JUST WANT TO FIND SOME PLACE WARM.
A PLACE WHERE I DON'T FEEL FRUSTRATED
OR BLUE,
WHERE I'M NOT IN PAIN
OR FEELING THE SCARS FROM YESTERDAY.
I WANT TO WIPE THE SCREEN
CLEAN.
WASH ME IN YOUR BLOOD, LORD,
MAKE ME WHITE AS SNOW.
CLEANSE AWAY MY SINS,
MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN.
PUT TOGETHER THE SHATTERED PIECES
OF MY SOUL.
ERASE THE DAMAGE
SO I CAN COME TO YOU,
MY ONE AND ONLY LORD,
MY SAVOR,
MY CREATOR.

MY THOUGHTS

I WISH I COULD FIND SOME PLACE 
WHERE I BELONG,
SOME PLACE
I CAN CALL HOME.
A PLACE AND PEOPLE THAT ACCEPT WHO I AM,
JUST A HUMBLE SERVANT WONDERING THE EARTH,
THE WAY GOD MADE ME,
TRYING TO FIND A PLACE WHERE I FIT IN.
I AM SO TIRED OF BEING JUDGED
BY WHAT I DO OR SAY;
SO VERY TIRED OF FEELING
LIKE I NEED TO ESCAPE,
FIGHTING THE URGE
TO RUN INTO MY SECRET HIDING PLACE.
STOP LOOKING AT THE WAY I CARRY MYSELF
OR WHAT I'M WEARING ON ANY PARTICUCLAR DAY.
PLEASE,
CAN'T YOU ACCEPT ME FOR ME,
JUST A HUMBLE WOMAN
TRYING JUST TO MAKE IT THROUGH TODAY.

 

 

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

I DON'T CARE THAT YOU CAN RUN A MARTHON
OR SWIM THE OCEANS WIDE.
I ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE,
TELL ME, INSTEAD, OF WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT OUR LORD.
DO YOU BELIEVE GOD GAVE UP HIS ONLY SON
TO DIE ON THE CROSS,
SACRIFICNG HIM FOR THE LOST?
PLEASE,
TELL ME WHAT YOU BELIEVE.
THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME.
I'M BEGGING YOU TO STOP BRAGGING ABOUT
YOUR OWN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
GIVE GOD THE GLORY
BECAUSE
IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS.

 

SHELTER

I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS HEAT,
SIT UNDER AN OLD OAK TREE.
I NEED SOME SHADE
SOMETIME TODAY.
I AM TIRED AND FORLORN
AND FEELING ALL ALONE.
COULD USE SOME COMPANY,
ANYONE BUT ME.
LORD, GIVE ME SOME REST
FOR I AM SO BEREFT.
TIRED OF THIS FIGHT,
JUST WANT A LITTLE LIGHT.
JESUS, SHELTER ME FROM THE STORM,
HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS.
BE MY SHADE,
WALK BESIDE ME ALL THE WAY.
SHADE ME FROM THE HEAT,
LET ME REST IN YOUR EMBRACE.

STARS

Looking into the night sky,
I stare at the stars.
How little we are.
Then I study the scar on my arm
and think what a wonder it is
God healed me
and left me a reminder
of how He knit me together
before I was even born.
How much God loves me.
He will always keep me from harm.
Even if that means
He protects me from myself.
I will never stop
looking up at the stars.

CALVARY

I AM NOT ALONE, I TELL MYSELF,
THERE'S MORE THAN JUST ME.
THIS IS NOT THE END,
IT IS,
RATHER,
THE BEGINNING.
SO EVEN THOUGH
I HAVE TO LOOK DEEP INTO MY SOUL,
THERE IS MORE TO LIFE
THAN THIS HOSPITAL BED.
IF I LOOK CLOSELY I CAN SEE
THE HILLS OF CALVARY
AND THE ONE THEY CALL THE GREAT I AM.
CHRIST, WHO DIED FOR ME,
FREELY.

Peace

all alone
in my hospital bed
the days dragging by
watching old shows
the pain enveloping me
like an old enemy
waiting for the time
I can have my pill
and get some sleep
peace
but the pain remains
even after everything
so I wait
then finally my husband comes
to see me
I know he can only stay
for just a little while
but his touch comforts me
like nothing else
and when he leaves
I know I am not alone
because I remind myself
that I'm a child of God
and His spirit keeps me sound
and brings me comfort and relief
and peace

THANK YOU

THANK YOU, LORD, FOR SAVING ME
FROM MY REALITY,
FROM MYSELF
AND WHAT I WANT.
THANK YOU FOR SURROUNDING ME
WITH THOSE WHO GENUINELY CARE
FOR THE REAL ME
IN MY REALITY.
THANK YOU, LORD, FOR NOT BEING ASHAMED OF ME
OR TURNING AGAINST ME,
FOR LOVING ME FOR ME.
THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE FREEDOM TO EXPLORE THIS WORLD THAT'S NOT MY HOME
AND SHOWING COMPASSION
WHEN I DIDN'T
DESERVE IT
AND FOR SACRIFICING YOUR SON
FOR SOMONE
LIKE ME.