OPEN DOOR

I FINALLY FOUND THE DOOR.
IT OPENED SO QUIETLY
I DIDN'T NOTICE IT AT FIRST.
I MUST ADMIT
I AM A LITTLE SCARED
TO GET ON MY SOAPBOX 
AND SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
BUT IF THIS IS MY PATH,
I KNOW I WILL BE OKAY,
EVEN IF OTHERS DON'T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

SUNSHINE

"YOU'RE STUPID AND UGLY."

THOSE WORDS STILL RUN THROUGH MY HEAD

AS IF THEY WERE A MANTRA.

I NOW KNOW I'M NOT STUPID

BECAUSE YOU CAN THROW ME INTO ANY SCHOOL AND I PROMISE YOU BECAUSE I AM ADMITTEDLY SO COMPETITIVE WILL MAKE STRAIGHT A'S.

BUT AS FOR THE UGLY PART,

I'M NOT SO SURE.

BUT WHEN I LOOK AT MY CHILDHOOD PICTURES

I THINK HOW CUTE I WAS

WITH MY SUN STREAKED HAIR,

DIMPLES AND FRECKLES.

WHERE DID SHE GO?

I DON'T THINK I'M SO SPECIAL.

I DO LIKE MY EMERALD EYES

AND MY AUBURN HAIR,

BUT AS FOR THE REST OF ME,

I DON'T MUCH CARE.

BUT SUNSHINE IS STILL THERE,

BURIED SOMEWHERE

DEEP INSIDE

CRYING TO COME OUT,

WHICH EVENTUALLY SHE WILL,

EVEN IF IT'S NOT TIL THE END

WHEN I'M RUNNING THROUGH THE GARDEN,

SMELLING THE SWEETNESS IN THE AIR,

SITTING AT MY LORD'S FEET,

WORSHIPING HIM AS HE DESERVES.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY

WHEN I GO HOME

AND SUNSHINE RETURNS.

I'M OKAY

LYING HERE 

PONDERING IN THE QUIET STILLNESS OF MY ROOM,

MY FOUNTAIN PLAYING A MELODY,

MY SWEET DOG LICKING MY SALTY TEARS AWAY.

I CAN FEEL JESUS SO CLOSE BY MY SIDE,

TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

AND THAT HE LOVES ME

AND WILL NEVER LEAVE ME LIKE MY EARTHLY FATHER DID

WHEN I WAS SO YOUNG AND NEEDING HIM.

BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER,

DUST IN THE WIND,

AND I LOOK AT MY LIFE NOW

AND I FINALLY AT THE AGE OF SIXTY KNOW THAT I AM WHO I AM

BECAUSE GOD MADE ME THIS WAY

AND IF SOMEONE DOESN'T LIKE IT

THAT'S OKAY.

I LOVE THE LORD

AND I DESIRE SO DEEPLY IN MY HEART

FOR OTHERS WHO ARE HURTING TO KNOW THAT AGAPE LOVE.

OPEN YOUR HEART

AND LET JESUS IN.

HE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

IN SO MANY UNEXPECTED WAYS

AND GIVE YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER WANT OR NEED.

I KNOW AS A SINNER I DON'T DESERVE THIS LOVE.

BUT I'VE BEEN WASHED IN HIS BLOOD

AND I'M OKAY.

PITY PARTY

FEELING VERY SORRY FOR MYSELF.

JUST WANT TO STAY IN BED.

HURTING ALL OVER.

I CAN BARELY STAND.

WHAT AM I TO DO?

THE DOCTORS DON'T HELP.

SO I JUST LIE HERE,

FEELING VERY SORRY FOR MYSELF.

THE ONLY ONE I CAN TURN TO IS MY LORD,

MY HELP.

IF I COULD I WOULD FALL ON ME KNEES,

BEGGING TO COME HOME, PLEASE.

SO VERY TIRED OF THIS FIGHT,

TIRED OF THIS RACE.

I KNOW THE FINISH LINE IS CLOSE,

BUT AT THIS PACE

HOW LONG, LORD, WILL IT TAKE?

CAN'T YOU PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK,

IF JUST FOR A DAY,

A DAY WITHOUT PAIN?

THAT'S ALL I ASK,

BUT ONLY IN YOUR NAME.

BUT IF IT'S YOUR WILL FOR ME TO CONTINUE THIS WAY,

ALWAYS IN PAIN,

THEN I MUST GET OVER MYSELF

AND REMEMBER GOD'S WORD

AND HIS PROMISE

THAT HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE.

HE IS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE,

COLLECTING MY CONSTANT TEARS,

REMINDING ME HE HAS BEEN THROUGH IT,

HE KNOWS MY PAIN.

BUT JUST FOR TODAY

I THINK I MAY STAY

RIGHT HERE,

WRITING ALL DAY.

IN HIS TIME

I CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING,

MY SECOND ER VISIT THIS WEEK,
THIRD THIS MONTH,

SO UPSET AT THIS CONSTANT PAIN,
I TORE MY CROSS FROM MY NECK,
THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM
AS IF IT WAS A SHOE,

AND I YELLED AT MY LORD

BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET HELP THE DOCTORS TELL ME THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I KNOW MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT,

AND THAT HE UNDERSTOOD,

AND I WONDERED IF THE APOSTLE PAUL EVER FELT THE SAME,

ALWAYS IN PAIN

FROM WHATEVER THE THORN IN HIS SIDE WAS.

I GET IT.

I UNDERSTAND.

THE PAIN GETS TO YOUR BRAIN,

AND IF YOU LET IT,

TO YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND ALL THAT YOU ARE.

THAT'S WHY GOD TELLS US I GUESS TO GUARD OUR HEARTS DAILY,

WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DIFFICULT SCRIPTURE FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND,

ALWAYS BEING ONE TO WEAR MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE.

NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCE,

MY HEART BLEEDS.

I DID TODAY AT THE HOSPITAL, AS I ALWAYS DO, TESTIFY TO WHOMEVER WOULD LISTEN AS I LAY THERE IN MY BED IN THE BUSY CORRIDOR.

IS THAT WHY I WAS THERE, LORD?

IS THAT WHY I HAVEN'T YET BEEN HEALED,

AND HAVE, IN FACT, GOTTEN WORSE?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IS WHAT I WRITE AND SHARE WITH OTHERS

SO VERY IMPORTANT

I HAVE TO CONTINUE SINCE BIRTH TO BE SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN,

NOT TO WANT ANYONE IN,

TO SEE THE REAL ME.

I FALL TO MY KNEES AND BEG THE LORD SO MANY TIMES TO JUST LET ME COME HOME.

ISN'T MY JOB HERE YET FINISHED?

HAVE I NOT DONE ENOUGH?

IS THERE REALLY MORE WORK

FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME,

A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING

ACCORDING TO MOST OF MY FAMILY?

I KNOW THAT OTHER PROPHETS

SUFFERED

MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER COMPREHEND,

SO I GUESS WHEN IT'S THE END,

WHEN I CAN FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT AND THE FINISH LINE,

THEN I WILL BE IN THE SWEET BY AND BY

IN HIS TIME.

THE THORN (3RD UPDATE)

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING

STILL IN PAIN,

NATURALLY.

HONESTLY,

MAYBE A LITTLE WORSE.

BUT HOW CAN THAT BE?

IT SEEMS AS IF I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOREVER

FOR THE RETURN OF MY DAUGHTER

AND A BREAK FROM THIS PAIN.

BUT THEN I WONDER,

WOULD I BE WRITING AND SHARING

THE WAY THAT I DO

IF EVERYTHING 

WAS PERFECT?

IS THIS HEARTACHE AND PAIN

THE THORN IN MY SIDE,

THE HURT THAT KEEPS ME CLOSE TO YOU, LORD?

FOR YOU DID COME INTO MY LIFE AT A TIME

WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST,

AT FIVE.

AND MY PRAYER HAS ALWAYS BEEN

THAT IF I COULD HELP JUST ONE OTHER PERSON

THEN THIS BROKEN HEART AND CONSTANT PAIN

WOULD BE WORTH IT,

FOR IN THE END,

WHEN I'VE FINISHED THIS RACE,

THERE WILL BE A CROWN WAITING FOR ME

AND I CAN FINALLY REST AT YOUR FEET.

2 CORINTHIANS 12:7

THEREFORE, IN ORDER TO KEEP ME FROM BECOMING CONCEITED, I WAS GIVEN A THORN IN MY FLESH, A MESSENGER OF SATAN, TO TORMENT ME.

WHERE IS THE DOOR, LORD? (WITH SCRIPTURE)

I'VE LOOKED HIGH,

I'VE SEARCHED LOW,

EVERYWHERE I GO.

I WANT TO FIND THAT OPEN DOOR.

I WANT SO BADLY FOR OTHERS TO KNOW

THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

NO MATTER YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE,

WHAT SHAPE YOUR BODY IS IN,

GOD CAN STILL USE YOU IF YOU WANT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME,

RESTING IN MY BED MOST OF THE DAY,

BUT I CAN STILL WRITE ON MY COMPUTER,

SHARE MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS,

LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M HERE.

AND IF GOD KNIT US TOGETHER

IN OUR MOTHER'S WOMB,

AND KNOWS HOW MANY HAIRS ARE ON OUR HEAD,

DON'T YOU THINK HE HAS A PLAN FOR US,

SINCE HE SENT HIS SON TO DIE FOR US?

WE ARE NOT HERE BY CHANCE.

AND WE WILL PROBABLY NOT KNOW THE FULL REASON WHY WE ARE HERE ON THIS EARTHLY COIL THAT IS NOT OUR HOME.

BUT AS FOR ME, I WILL JUMP OFF THE FENCE,

FOLLOW THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW,

AND NEVER GIVE UP ON LOOKING FOR THAT OPEN DOOR.

MATTHEW 7:7-8

ASK AND IT WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU; SEEK, AND YOU WILL FIND; KNOCK AND THE DOOR WILL BE OPEN TO YOU.  FOR EVERYONE WHO ASKS, RECEIVES; THE ONE WHO SEEKS FINDS; AND TO THE ONE WHO KNOCKS THE DOOR WILL BE OPENED.