SCARED

I LONG TO LET GO 
OF THESE HEAVY EARTHLY BURDENS
THAT ARE ABSOLUTELY OF NO USE,
NOT TO MENTION, NONSENSE.

OH MY LORD,

STICK A FORK IN ME
CUZ I'M DONE.
I'M TRYING TO STICK AROUND FOR THE LAST LITTLE BIT OT THIS,
BUT,
HONESTLY,
I'M BORED OF IT ALL.
BANGING ON THE SAME DOORS AND WINDOWS
YEAR AFTER YEAR.
THE BLOOD HAS DRIED,
BUT IT'S STILL THERE.
I NEVER SEEM TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.
HELLO! IS ANYONE THERE?

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GONNA SAY NO TO YOU,
THOUGH, LORD.
AT LEAST I'VE LEARNED THAT MUCH.
BUT

I'VE TRIED,
I'M TIRED,
AND I'M ABSOLUTELY OVER
ALL OF THIS RIDICULOUS IN-FIGHTING.

AM I JUST NOT SEEING THE FOREST
FOR THE TREES,
SO TO SPEAK,
THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY?
I WRITE
BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY THING,
BESIDES YOUR HOLY GHOST
 THAT HELPS
HEAL THE SCARS
AND THE DEEP WOUNDS.
BUT WHY SEND ME,
ONE WHO WAS RAISED IN SMALL SOUTHERN BAPTIST
CHURCHES
WHERE THE ATTENDANCE 
WOULD HARDLY EXCEED
THIRTY.
WHY LEAD ME HERE?
WHAT CAN I DO?
I'M EITHER ROLLING AROUND IN A WHEELCHAIR
OR HOBBLING ON A CANE.
I KNOW NO ONE,
AND NO ONE KNOWS ME.
YET
THESE YOUNG ADULTS SEEM TO BE DRAWN TO ME
AS I AM TO THEM.
I DON'T WANT THEM TO MAKE THE SAME STUPID MISTAKES,
TO NOT WALK AWAY
AND TRY TO DO THIS LIFE ON THEIR OWN.
THESE YOUNG CHRISTIANS ARE OUR FUTURE,
AND WE MUST PASS THE LIGHT,
SO HERE I AM
AT A CHURCH SO BIG
THAT I MOST LIKELY LOOK
LIKE A LITTLE ANT TO THE PASTOR.
BUT I'VE LEARNED A THING OR TWO
SINCE WE LOST MAMA J JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR.
I WILL NOT ONLY LISTEN TO YOU, JESUS,
BUT I WILL STAY AS INSTRUCTED.
AND I WILL KEEP ON WRITING NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES.
BECAUSE, FOR SOME ODD REASON,
I'M STARTING TO FEEL AT HOME.

LET YOUR LITTLE LIGHT SHINE,
AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO LET IT GROW.

COTTONWOOD

LORD, YES, I KNOW I SHOULD BE OVER IT BY NOW,
BUT I GUESS, REALLY,
IT'S BEEN JUST A BLINK OF AN EYE
UP THERE WHERE I SO WANT TO BE,
WITH YOU IN HEAVEN.

SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE ANOTHER LIFETIME

WHEN THE THREE OF US WERE RUNNING

AROUND, NO BOUNDARIES, IN THE HOT SOUTHERN ARIZONA SUN
ON GRANDADDY'S COTTON FARM.
WE WOULD BE BAREFOOT
AND DRESSED IN OUR SWIMSUITS,
DAVID THEN JEANETTE THEN ME,
SHERRIE,
NONE OF US,
I DON'T THINK
OLDER THAN EIGHT.
WELL, HOW ELSE WOULD YOU HAVE DRESSED
IF YOU PLAYED ON A COTTON FARM
IN 120 DEGREE WEATHER?

ACTUALLY, THE SHADE FROM ALL OF THOSE
COTTONWOOD TREES
THAT LINED THE DIRT ROADS,
COULD,
ON A GOOD DAY,
BE RATHER REFRESHING,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU WERE CLOSE TO
ONE OF THE DITCHES. 
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD SWIMMER,
BUT DO NOT LIKE SWIMMING SOMEPLACE
WHERE I CANNOT CLEARLY SEE THE BOTTOM.

SO MY MOM WAS THE ELDEST OF EIGHT,
AND DAVID THE YOUNGEST,
AGE-WISE DAVID COULD HAVE BEEN A BROTHER TO ME IF HE HAD WANTED.  HE WAS TO JEANETTE.
BUT, HONESTLY,
WITH ALL OF THE BBs HE SHOT AT ME
(NO LICENSE REQUIRED),
I DON'T THINK I MISSED MUCH IN THAT REGARD.
BUT AUNT PATSY
WAS A RED-HEADED SAINT.
SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THE TWIST
AND THE MASHED-POTATO.
SHE FILLED THE SHOES
MY OWN SISTER REFUSED.
I MISS YOU AUNT PATSY,
BUT I KNOW YOU 
AND THAT IT IS YOU
TEACHING THE ANGELS HOW TO DANCE.

THE REASON I LOVED IT SO MUCH
ON THIS DIRT FARM WE CALLED HOME?
BESIDES BEING WITH MY BELOVED GRANDADDY
AND CHRISTIAN GRANDMA
THAT TAUGHT ME HOW JESUS LOVED ME SO
AND MY BEAUTIFUL AUNT PATSY
WITH THE RED HAIR,
IS THE FACT
THAT I DIDN'T GET SMACKED AROUND
JUST BECAUSE,
BY ANYONE.

PSALM 7:1

LORD, MY GOD,
I TAKE REFUGE IN YOU;
SAVE AND DELIVER ME
FROM ALL WHO PURSUE ME.

ABUNDANCE OF FREE LOVE

JUST GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON

WHY

YOU SHOVED ME IN FRONT OF COMPANY

JUST TO EMBARRASS ME

AND,

IN A RATHER THREATENING WAY,

TELL ME TO SAY MY NAME,

YOU KNEW

I HAD A HARD TIME

FORMING Rs.

AND WITH A NAME LIKE SHERRIE,

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

AND ALL  OF THIS FOR SOME FORM

OF CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT.

YOU MUST HAVE SEEN THE SHAME IN ME,

CHEEKS BURNING BRIGHTLY,

TRYING BEYOND ALL MEASURE

TO UNSUCCESSFULLY FIGHT EVEN
THE SHIMMER
OF THEM AWAY

BECAUSE I KNEW THAT IF I SHED

EVEN THE SMALLEST OF THEM,

BOTH THE SNICKERS

AND THE PUNISHMENT

WOULD BE MORE THAN
YOUR LITTLE GIRL'S NIGHTMARE.

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS RUN
AS FAST AS I COULD
INTO MY BEDROOM
WHERE I COULD LOCK THE WORLD OF HURT AWAY.

THAT'S MOST LIKELY

ONE OF THE EXPLANATIONS

WHY I CANNOT TO THIS DAY

STAND CONFRONTATIONS OF ANY KIND.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT 

TO A CUTE LITTLE GIRL NAMED SUNSHINE

WHO WOULDN'T HURT A FLY,

WHO STUCK UP FOR HER STRICKEN SISTER

EVER SINCE SHE COULD REMEMBER?

WHY?

OH, I KNOW,

THE OTHER ONE NEEDED MUCH MORE ATTENTION.

BUT, GUESS WHAT?

REMEMBER ME,

SHERRIE?

SO DID I,
NEED THE ATTENTION
DESPERATELY
I MEAN.

LOOKING BACK, THOUGH,

IF I HONESTLY MUST SAY

IT'S OKAY THINGS WERE

SO VERY MESSED UP.

OTHERWISE,

WHERE,

OH WHERE

WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY LORD,

WHO SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME,

HELD MY HAND,

AND SO LOVINGLY

INVITED ME INTO HIS FAMILY.

THE WORDS 'THANK YOU;

CAN NEVER EXPRESS

THE ABUNDANCE

OF LOVE

YOU HAVE HAPPILY,

FREELY GIVEN TO ME

EVEN AT THE GREAT COST

OF SACRIFICING YOUR

ONE AND ONLY SON.

EPHESIANS 2:8-9

AND IT IS BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED THROUGH FAITH--AND THIS IS NOT FROM YOURSELVES, IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD--NOT BY WORKS, SO THAT NO ONE CAN BOAST.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

OUR REWARD

DOESN'T COME

UNTIL IT'S OVER.

WE MAY,

ESPECIALLY AT MY AGE,

FEEL AS IF WE'RE DUE,

BUT WE'RE NOT

'CUZ WE'RE STILL WALKING

THE PATH

OF RIGHTEOUSNESS

I PRAY

YOU KNOW THE ROAD.

THE ONE THAT'S NARROW AND STRAIGHT,

NO SNAKES ALLOWED,

COVERED IN HIS LOVE,

WASHED BY HIS BLOOD.

TOO MANY TIMES I STRAYED,

AND I'VE PAID.

I'D MUCH RATHER STAY

ON THIS SIDE OF THE FENCE.

THE WAY

MAY NOT BE EASYGOING,

BUT,

IN THE END,

IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT,

MUCH MORE THAN WE COULD EVER

IMAGINE OR DREAM.

SITTING AT MY LORD'S FEET?

WHAT 
MORE 
COULD I POSSIBLY ASK FOR?

GAME OVER (NOT)

THIS GAME'S NOT OVER YET,

SO, PRETTY PLEASE, DON'T DARE HIT RESET.

I'VE COME TOO FAR,

CLAWED MY WAY THROUGH

TO START OVER NOW,

LIKE THERE WAS EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF CHANCE

I'D EVER ALLOW YOU

TO RESET

MY SOUL.

HOW IS ONE TO OVERCOME

THE HONEST FACT

THAT IF I WASN'T FEELING INVISIBLE,

SHUNNED BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSEDLY THE HEALTHY ONE, EVEN THOUGH I SUFFERED SEVERE CHRONIC ASTHMA,

I WAS WISHING I WAS.

AND DO YOU KNOW THE ONLY CURE FOR THAT

WAY BACK IN THE 1900s

WAS A HUGE SHOT OF ADRENALIN

THAT LEFT YOU SHAKING LIKE A WET DOG

AND AS SICK AS ONE TOO.

YOU SEE,

MY ELDER SISTER BY 19 MONTHS

CONTRACTED POLIO

THE SAME YEAR THE VACCINE

WAS ACTUALLY CAUSING THE DISEASE.

WHICH MEANS,

THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.

NONE-THE-LESS,

MY OLDEST SISTER

WAS AFFLICTED. 

SO,

OF COURSE,

I WAS CONSIDERED SELFISH

IF I DARE GET ILL,

EVEN SENT TO MY BEDROOM WHEN I WAS VERY LITTLE

BECAUSE I HAD BROKEN MY ARM

AND HAD THE NERVE TO FIND IT HARD TO STOP SOBBING.

THAT'S HOW IT'S ALWAYS BEEN,

EVEN TO THIS DAY.

I JUST PRAY THAT THERE WAS A WAY

FOR MY MOTHER TO WALK IN MY SHOES,

JUST FOR A SECOND.

TO FEEL ALL OF THOSE UNHEALED

SCARS,

TO THE POINT OF FINDING IT HARD

TO EVEN LOOK IN A MIRROR.

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T REMEMBER

GANGING UP WITH MY SISTER

WHEN DAD WASN'T AROUND,

TAUNTING ME,

CALLING ME STUPID AND UGLY?

AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER THAT

TODAY I'M PHYSICALLY

SUFFERING

DAILY,

EVERY SECOND,

TIC TOC.

WOULD I GET THE CARE I NEEDED FROM HER,

CUZ I NEVER HEAR

FROM SISTER DEAR,

WHICH, HOW THAT I THINK ON IT,

IS PROBABLY GOOD.

GUESS HER TROUBLES

ARE MAGNIFIED

BECAUSE,

AS SHE WAS ALWAYS WANT TO SAY,

SHE IS THE ELDEST.

I DEFER TO YOU,

MY ELDER SISTER.

OKAY,

NOW I MUST PRAY

FOR HARBORING 

UNGODLY THOUGHTS

AGAINST THE LOST.

I DON'T HAVE A CLUE

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

MOM TOOK BOTH OF US TO CHURCH

ALL OF THE TIME

WHEN WE WERE LITTLE.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER

THE FUN SUNDAY SCHOOL

AND ME SINGING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS

BECAUSE I WAS SINGING TO MY HEAVENLY FATHER,

THE ONLY ONE

EVEN AT THAT YOUNG AGE

I KNEW I COULD RELY ON

AND THAT LOVED ME?

AND I COULD HAVE SUNG ALL DAY LONG

IF I WAS ALLOWED.

BUT, NO,

WE HAD TO BE QUIET.

YOU KNOW WHY.

IF ONLY YOU COULD ACCEPT THE FACT

THAT WE DID NOT RECEIVE THE LOVE WE DESERVED

AT HOME

THEN MAYBE YOU JUST MIGHT

DECIDE TO FIGHT.

SO, I'VE LET THE FAMILY SECRET OUT.

I WOULD BE MORE THAN WILLING

TO SHOUT IT ALL

FROM THE TALLEST BUILDING

IF IT MEANT

JUST ONE SEED

WAS PLANTED.

BECAUSE THAT IS MY MISSION.

THROUGH MY WRITING.

AND ALSO TO ENCOURAGE

THE PEOPLE WHO READ THIS

TO NOT BE ASHAMED.

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE

AND YOU ARE LOVED BEYOND MEASURE.

DON'T HIT THE RESET,

THIS GAME ISN'T OVER YET.

GOD HAS PLANS

FOR ALL OF US SISTERS AND BROTHERS.

PSALM 71:6

FROM BIRTH I HAVE RELIED ON YOU;

YOU BROUGHT ME FORTH FROM MY MOTHER'S WOMB.

I WILL EVER PRAISE YOU.

OPPRESSED

YOU CRITICIZE,

SCORN,

SQUELCH ANY OUNCE OF DELIGHT

THAT JUST MIGHT BE

TRYING TO FIGHT ITS WAY OUT;

CRUSH MY SPIRIT,

AND YOUR EMBARRASSMENT SHINES,
ESPECIALLY
IF A SLIVER

OF MY CREATIVITY
MIGHT HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SLIP.

I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL I WAS SIXTY,

AFTER MOST OF THE CHAINS HAD BEEN BROKEN

BY UGLY THINGS THAT WERE 
INTENTIONALLY,
I BELIEVE,
SPOKEN

IN ORDER TO REALIZE

I DID HAVE SOMETHING

WORTHWHILE TO SAY.

TO CLARIFY,

NOT MY WORDS BUT HIS.

AFTER BEING SO OPPRESSED

FOR SO LONG,

IT WASN'T EASY

FINDING ME.

WHY WOULD A MOTHER

WANT TO SMOTHER

THE GOD-GIVEN GIFTS

OF A DAUGHTER?

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU COULD NOT SEE THAT SO CLEARLY
AND IGNORE THE SPARK IN MY GREEN EYES.

LORD, IF NOT FOR YOU,

NONE OF MY PRAYERS

WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TRUE.

THANK YOU, JESUS,

FOR TAKING A LITTLE GIRL'S TRAMPLED HEART,

RESHAPING IT

AND MAKING IT YOURS.
MAY YOU
AND YOU ALONE
BE GLORIFIED.

PSALM 9:9

THE LORD IS A REFUGE FOR THE OPPRESSED,
A STRONGHOLD IN TIMES OF TROUBLE.

STORMY WEATHER AHEAD (RVD)

HOW, OH LORD,

DID I END UP

IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM

YET AGAIN?
IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN'T FEEL THE DARK CLOUDS FORMING.
I TRY TO KEEP MY DISTANCE
BUT BY THE TIME I  CATCH
THE REFRESHING SMELL OF THE RAIN,
I KNOW IT'S TOO LATE.
NEVER TOO LATE, THOUGH,
TO TAKE SHELTER FROM THE STORM
ENFOLDED IN YOUR LOVING WINGS.
BUT
WHY
DO I DECIDE,
NAY SEEM TO BE DRAWN,
RIGHT INTO THE VERY MIDDLE OF THE STORM?
NOW THAT I THINK ON IT,
THOUGH,
THE MIDDLE
IS THE MOST PEACEFUL.
EPIPHANY: THAT'S WHERE GOD WANTS ME,
BECAUSE I CAN SEE FROM A POINT OF ABSOLUTE PEACE
EXACTLY WHERE
AND
EXACTLY WHEN
TO JUMP INTO THE FRAY.
AND IF I GET IT RIGHT,
GOD WILL BRING A PERSON INTO MY LIFE
THAT IS OPEN TO MY TESTIMONY,
AND IT DOESN'T HURT
THAT I HAPPEN TO WRITE
INSPIRATIONAL POETRY.
GOD USES FOOLISH WEAK ME.
WHAT A PONDEROUS MYSTERY.
JUST A REMINDER, JESUS:
THIS LITTLE CHURCH MOUSE IS QUITE AFRAID
OF LIGHTENING AND THUNDER.

I CORINTHIANS 1:27 

BUT GOD CHOSE THE FOOLISH THINGS OF THE WORLD TO SHAME THE WISE....

ISAIAH 41:10

SO DO NOT FEAR, FOR I AM WITH YOU...