IN HIS TIME

I CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING,

MY SECOND ER VISIT THIS WEEK,
THIRD THIS MONTH,

SO UPSET AT THIS CONSTANT PAIN,
I TORE MY CROSS FROM MY NECK,
THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM
AS IF IT WAS A SHOE,

AND I YELLED AT MY LORD

BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET HELP THE DOCTORS TELL ME THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I KNOW MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT,

AND THAT HE UNDERSTOOD,

AND I WONDERED IF THE APOSTLE PAUL EVER FELT THE SAME,

ALWAYS IN PAIN

FROM WHATEVER THE THORN IN HIS SIDE WAS.

I GET IT.

I UNDERSTAND.

THE PAIN GETS TO YOUR BRAIN,

AND IF YOU LET IT,

TO YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND ALL THAT YOU ARE.

THAT'S WHY GOD TELLS US I GUESS TO GUARD OUR HEARTS DAILY,

WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DIFFICULT SCRIPTURE FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND,

ALWAYS BEING ONE TO WEAR MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE.

NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCE,

MY HEART BLEEDS.

I DID TODAY AT THE HOSPITAL, AS I ALWAYS DO, TESTIFY TO WHOMEVER WOULD LISTEN AS I LAY THERE IN MY BED IN THE BUSY CORRIDOR.

IS THAT WHY I WAS THERE, LORD?

IS THAT WHY I HAVEN'T YET BEEN HEALED,

AND HAVE, IN FACT, GOTTEN WORSE?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IS WHAT I WRITE AND SHARE WITH OTHERS

SO VERY IMPORTANT

I HAVE TO CONTINUE SINCE BIRTH TO BE SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN,

NOT TO WANT ANYONE IN,

TO SEE THE REAL ME.

I FALL TO MY KNEES AND BEG THE LORD SO MANY TIMES TO JUST LET ME COME HOME.

ISN'T MY JOB HERE YET FINISHED?

HAVE I NOT DONE ENOUGH?

IS THERE REALLY MORE WORK

FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME,

A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING

ACCORDING TO MOST OF MY FAMILY?

I KNOW THAT OTHER PROPHETS

SUFFERED

MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER COMPREHEND,

SO I GUESS WHEN IT'S THE END,

WHEN I CAN FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT AND THE FINISH LINE,

THEN I WILL BE IN THE SWEET BY AND BY

IN HIS TIME.

THE THORN (3RD UPDATE)

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING

STILL IN PAIN,

NATURALLY.

HONESTLY,

MAYBE A LITTLE WORSE.

BUT HOW CAN THAT BE?

IT SEEMS AS IF I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOREVER

FOR THE RETURN OF MY DAUGHTER

AND A BREAK FROM THIS PAIN.

BUT THEN I WONDER,

WOULD I BE WRITING AND SHARING

THE WAY THAT I DO

IF EVERYTHING 

WAS PERFECT?

IS THIS HEARTACHE AND PAIN

THE THORN IN MY SIDE,

THE HURT THAT KEEPS ME CLOSE TO YOU, LORD?

FOR YOU DID COME INTO MY LIFE AT A TIME

WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST,

AT FIVE.

AND MY PRAYER HAS ALWAYS BEEN

THAT IF I COULD HELP JUST ONE OTHER PERSON

THEN THIS BROKEN HEART AND CONSTANT PAIN

WOULD BE WORTH IT,

FOR IN THE END,

WHEN I'VE FINISHED THIS RACE,

THERE WILL BE A CROWN WAITING FOR ME

AND I CAN FINALLY REST AT YOUR FEET.

2 CORINTHIANS 12:7

THEREFORE, IN ORDER TO KEEP ME FROM BECOMING CONCEITED, I WAS GIVEN A THORN IN MY FLESH, A MESSENGER OF SATAN, TO TORMENT ME.

WHERE IS THE DOOR, LORD? (WITH SCRIPTURE)

I'VE LOOKED HIGH,

I'VE SEARCHED LOW,

EVERYWHERE I GO.

I WANT TO FIND THAT OPEN DOOR.

I WANT SO BADLY FOR OTHERS TO KNOW

THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

NO MATTER YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE,

WHAT SHAPE YOUR BODY IS IN,

GOD CAN STILL USE YOU IF YOU WANT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME,

RESTING IN MY BED MOST OF THE DAY,

BUT I CAN STILL WRITE ON MY COMPUTER,

SHARE MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS,

LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M HERE.

AND IF GOD KNIT US TOGETHER

IN OUR MOTHER'S WOMB,

AND KNOWS HOW MANY HAIRS ARE ON OUR HEAD,

DON'T YOU THINK HE HAS A PLAN FOR US,

SINCE HE SENT HIS SON TO DIE FOR US?

WE ARE NOT HERE BY CHANCE.

AND WE WILL PROBABLY NOT KNOW THE FULL REASON WHY WE ARE HERE ON THIS EARTHLY COIL THAT IS NOT OUR HOME.

BUT AS FOR ME, I WILL JUMP OFF THE FENCE,

FOLLOW THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW,

AND NEVER GIVE UP ON LOOKING FOR THAT OPEN DOOR.

MATTHEW 7:7-8

ASK AND IT WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU; SEEK, AND YOU WILL FIND; KNOCK AND THE DOOR WILL BE OPEN TO YOU.  FOR EVERYONE WHO ASKS, RECEIVES; THE ONE WHO SEEKS FINDS; AND TO THE ONE WHO KNOCKS THE DOOR WILL BE OPENED.

UNCEASINGLY PRAY (UPDATED)

All these years.
a decade.
If I had only known
 it would be so long.
I miss you,
Sara Beara,
and I miss the sweet smell
of your
long
dark
 silky hair,
the sweet sound of your angelic voice
singing,
praising our King. 

My heart is still so torn,

broken in two,

blood running blue.

Every day I pray for the same thing,

for you to want me as your mother again,

for us to be best friends,
for you to finally let me in.
Please forgive me
for whatever I've done or said
that makes you dread me.

I say what I pray I should say,

at least I hope I do,

just as I pray to follow God's will
each and every day.
Unceasingly
on my knees. 
Well, metaphorically,

because that's the only way

I know I will have the joy

of having you back in my life once again. 

And I'm done waiting
because I want it
yesterday.
The end. 

I THESSALONIANS 5:16-18

REJOICE ALWAYS,

PRAY CONTINUALLY,

GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES'

FOR THIS IS GOD'S WILL FOR YOU

IN CHRIST JESUS

TRAPPED NO MORE (UPDATED)

IS THIS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE?

FEELING TRAPPED AND UNNOTICED,

THIS DEFINITELY ISN'T FOR ME.

WHY CAN'T YOU LEAD ME

TO THE CHURCHES OF OLD?

YOU REMEMBER THE ONES

WHERE AUNT MONA PLAYED THE PIANO

WHILE I WAS FERVENTLY PRAYING FOR MY GRANDFATHER

TO END HIS SERMON
AND HOPING THAT NO ONE COULD HEAR MY STOMACH GROWLING.

LORD, I WOULD BEG GOD,
PLEASE LET GRANDFATHER BE DONE
JUST A LITTLE EARLY
SO I COULD GO FROLIC IN THE WARM TEXAS SUN.

AND, LORD JESUS, I KNOW YOU KNOW MY PRAYER -

TO HELP THOSE HURTING, IN NEED OF CARE.

WHEN I STARTED WRITING POETRY ABOUT THE REASON I'M IN PAIN,

I SET A GOAL FOR MYSELF - JUST TO HELP ONE OTHER PERSON WHO ALSO SUFFERED.
THE DARKNESS,
THE RAIN,
THE CLOUDS,
AND WORST OF ALL,
THE RUMBLE OF THE THUNDER.
AND EACH INDIVIDUAL THAT READS WHAT I WRITE,
PLACES A FIRE IN MY HEART
THAT WILL NOT GO OUT.
SO ONE OR SIXTY-FIVE THOUSAND*,
IT'S ALL FOR THE LORD,
BECAUSE THIS THING THAT I DO - 
SHINING THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS -
REALLY DOES BRING PEACE TO MY SOUL.

PHILIPPIANS 4:7

AND THE PEACE OF GOD,
WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING,
WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS
IN CHRIST JESUS.

*THIS CLOSE TO 78,000, PRAISE GOD! THANK YOU TO ALL WHO ARE READING WHAT I WRITE. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.  AND COULD YOU PLEASE PRAY FOR MY PRODIGAL DAUGHTER  MAY YOU ALL BE BLESSED.

MARCH FORTH (UPDATED)

PLEASE, SWEET JESUS,

COULD YOU OPEN THAT DOOR,

THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOREVER FOR.

JUST A GLIMPSE

OF THE BRIGHT SUNSHINE

ESCAPING INTO THE DARKNESS OUT SIDE.

I FEEL AS IF

I'VE BEEN WALKING IN YOUR PATH.

AND I HONESTLY ADMIT,

I HAVE SLIPPED UP

TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT.

BUT YOU, GOD'S SON, SACRIFICED YOUR LIFE;

CRIMSON BLOOD FLOWING FREELY,

FORGIVING ME MY SINS EVEN BEFORE I WAS BORN.

YOU KNEW I WOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW,

SITTING IN MY BED,

TRYING TO OPEN MY HEART

TO THOSE IN DISTRESS OR HURT.

IF, LIKE ME, YOUR FAMILY

HAS REJECTED YOU 'CUZ YOU REFUSE TO BE A PART

OF THIS MARCH TOWARDS BOREDOM,

MAKE A STAND FOR JESUS,

AND YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

ROMANS 5:1  Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit,who has been given to us.

Restart

Today is a new chance at happiness.

And, to be honest, which I am, if you haven't been able to yet
understand.

It more than fervently states
in God's Word,

that our Heavenly Father will give us our greatest desires,
treasures full,
much more than we deserve.
But much unlike our earthly fathers
who just seemed happiest
whilst doing other things,
especially if it did not include spending time with the children
(above all else, self).

And as far as my reference to our greatest desires,
I was speaking of agape' peace and 
only known how to be given by God
above.
To reiterate:
the only one capable of doing this
is Jesus.
I cannot change the flesh wounds and the loneliness from the past,

but God can erase it all
and even go so far as to give me a brand new beginning.
I can hardly wait for that auspicious restart.

Psalm 37:4 - Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.