SINNER

Father, how can you even stand
to look at me
let alone love me like you do?
I'm the worst of the worst,
the sinner's sinner.
All of these secrets
in the deepest, darkest, smelliest
(excuse me for being truthful)
corners of my heart
that no one else but you knows about.
Yet you still want me to be part of your family.
You desire to prosper and not harm me,
to graft me into your tree
when my earthly family has rejected me
and hurt me beyond measure
for no other reason than I was born healthy,
at least that's what I've come to believe
I don't think I can take it again,
I mean, the loss of a friend
because,
as I'm sure you've noticed,
apparently I have too much drama in my life
for anyone to want to be or stay around,
unless they have an ulterior motive,
which is usually the case.
The pain is just too much.
My heart hurts.
I swear
this broken into pieces heart
cannot bear
more rejection.
Jesus, I'm begging you on bended knees (metaphorically)
to forgive me of my oh so many unforgivable sins
and never leave or forsake me
and always love me,
for, even such a sinner as me,
will never forget what you did for me on that tree.
Never.

JEREMIAH 29:11

FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU," DECLARES THE LORD,

"PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU

HOPE AND A FUTURE

MY SWEET, SWEET LORD

Lord, I'm so confused.
All I want is to be with you.
You are the only one
who has ever loved me
the way that I need.
You know me better than I know myself.
And not only that,
you want more for me than I want for myself.
Why?
There is nothing on earth that I can do
to ever deserve what you have done for me.
Yes, I've been abused.
Yes, I've been hurt tremendously.
But your love and the knowledge
that I will spend eternity with the one that loves me the most
doesn't make the pain go away,
but I know it will all be worth it
and,
most of all,
forgotten in one day with you.
Please don't make me wait too much longer,
my sweet, sweet Lord.

PSALM 34:18

FOR THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED AND SAVES THOSE WHO ARE CRUSHED IN SPIRIT.

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME

There is no other love
that can ever be compared
to the love you share.
No matter what I do or say,
you still love me.
I can gain weight,
grow old,
however I look,
your love grows.
How can you love me?
I am so weak,
and I'm a sinner.
My righteousness is as filthy rags before you.
But I want to fall in love with you, too.
The way you love me.
Jesus, why did you do it?
Why did you let yourself be sacrificed?
You loved me even then
so much so
that you shed your blood
to wash me clean.
How can I ever repay you?
I know.
I will give the rest of my life to you.
Because you love me.

JESUS LOVES ME,

THIS I KNOW,

FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

LITTLE ONES TO HIM BELONG,

I AM WEAK, BUT HE IS STRONG.

STOP CRYING, SHERRIE!

Still crying this morning.
Why are these tears still streaming,
scarring my cheeks?
Can you please take away the hurt,
help me to forgive?
See what you see.
Feel what you feel.
Is that why my heart is hurting so?
For all the lost souls?
So many have turned away
because of how their parents treated them.
But I am here to let you know
that the strength you need can only come from God.
Yes, I still have scars.
Maybe I always will.
It's hard to whitewash those kind.
But I know I have a Daddy that loves me
and would do anything for me
and wants more for me than I want for myself.
That's just too much to take in sometimes,
because I know that I'm not worth it.
But then I hear a gentle voice whisper in my heart,
"You forgot - You are the apple of my eye."

PROVERBS 17:8

KEEP ME AS THE APPLE OF YOUR EYE;

HIDE ME IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR WINGS.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Jesus,
I just want to hide and cover my face,
cry some more,
asking you,
"Why, Lord,
why?"
It's been so long,
I've done what you've asked.
I've shared me deepest secrets on the Internet.
Anyone can read my thoughts,
anyone can see
the broken me.
I don't like to show her to everyone
in case they want to hurt me, too.
Why, after all this time
are you still after me?
What have I ever done to you
besides trying to be your friend
and telling you how much my Lord
has done for me.
What else do you want from me, Lord?
Haven't I done enough,
written family secrets,
shared
until I've bled.
I'm ready, any time
to come be with you.
I tell you that every time I go to sleep.
Just make it quick and sweet,
like you did with Mama J,
as long as you give me a chance
to say goodbye to my sweet ones here.
But if there are still miles left
on this bumpy straight and narrow,
then I will carry your cross
until you say 
"Enough, Sherrie, it's time to come home."

HEBREWS 12:1

THEREFORE, SINCE WE ARE SURROUNDED BY SUCH A GREAT CLOUD OF WITNESSES, LET US THROW OFF EVERYTHING THAT HINDERS AND THE SIN THAT SO EASILY ENTANGLES.  AND LET US RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE THE RACE MARKED OUT FOR US.

STILL WAITING

Lord, you know how long it's been.

Years, months, days, hours

praying

on my knees

begging

for her to be returned to me.

I mean, come on,

she doesn't live that far from here.

And from what I hear,

she not only goes to church,

but she sings in a worship band.

Is she not reading your word;

does she not know the ten commandments?

Did I do something wrong,

go too far, the opposite way?

Does she know that she is the very first thing I think about
when I wake, trying hard to remember the sweet smell of her hair?
Does she know how much my heart is breaking?
Just tell me, Lord, will I see her on this side,
or will I have to wait for eternity?
That's all that keeps me going,
you know,
is knowing

I THESSALONIANS 5:17

...PRAY CONTINUALLY...

HE LOVES ME

I WRITE AND I WRITE,

I PRAY AND I PRAY,

AND I CRY

UNCEASINGLY.

IS THERE ANY REASON

FOR ME TO CONTINUE

WITH THIS VANITY?

DOES ANYONE OUT THERE REALLY CARE?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE,

(AND, YES, I'M GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH.

WHY NOT? I'M 60.)

TO BE HIT TO THE POINT OF BLOOD BY THOSE THAT SHOULD HAVE

LOVED YOU THE MOST.

AFTER ALL,

I WAS A GIFT TO THEM,

A GIFT FROM GOD.

THAT'S WHAT CHILDREN ARE.

SO, HERE'S THE THING:

MY SISTER,

OLDER THAN ME BY 19 MONTHS,

GOT POLIO WHEN SHE WAS 2.

SO ALL OF THE LOVE,

FROM EVERYONE

ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY,

GAVE ALL OF THEIR LOVE TO HER.

I LOVED HER TOO.

BUT I WAS THE INVISIBLE ONE

BECAUSE I WAS "HEALTHY".

SO MY DAD ABUSED MY MOM

ON A NIGHTLY BASIS.

I STILL LOVED HIM THOUGH,

BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO CAMPS IN THAT HOME,

DAD AND ME AGAINST MY MOM AND SISTER.

SO WHEN MY DAD WASN'T HOME,

GUESS WHO RECEIVED THE ABUSE?

YEP, ME,

BECAUSE MY SISTER WAS TOO UNHEALTHY.

AND WHEN MOM AND DAD WEREN'T HOME,

WHICH WAS MOST OF THE TIME,

MY SWEET SIS WOULD EITHER HIT ME,

SIT ON ME,

OR LOCK ME IN A CLOSET,

OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

UNTIL ONE BEAUTIFUL DAY

I OUTGREW HER.

NOW, THIS WAS DURING THE 1960s,

SO NO ONE DARE OPENED THEIR MOUTH,

NOT EVEN THE POLICE.

I'M SURE SOMEONE IN THE FAMILY KNEW,

SO WHERE WERE YOU?

WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP IT?

DO YOU KNOW THE SCARS I HAVE ON MY HEART

BECAUSE OF ALL OF IT?

BUT, LOOKING BACK,

I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN SAVED

WHEN I WAS FIVE

IF I WAS IN A HAPPY HOME.

HE KNEW I NEEDED A DADDY.

SO, MY PERSONAL BELIEF THAT BRINGS ME COMFORT

IS THAT SWEET JESUS

 CAME AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME IN THAT PEW,

PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME,

AND TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME SO MUCH

HE DIED FOR ME.

AND HE STILL LOVES ME SO.

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?

JOHN 3:16