WHERE DO I BELONG?

LORD, I TRY SO HARD,
KNOCKING TOO LONG
ON CLOSED DOORS,
SLAMMED IN MY FACE,
BRUISES ON MY ARMS.
REJECTION ACHES.

YOU WOULD THINK,
AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS,
I WOULD BE USED TO THE REJECTION,
THE FAMILIAR FEELING
OF BEING INVISIBLE,
SHOVED INTO ANY CONVENIENT
DARK, COBWEBBY CLOSET,
LOCKED AWAY,
FORGOTTEN,
OUT OF SIGHT.

I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND.

LORD, WHERE DO I BELONG?
RAISED TO FEEL AS IF I WAS
AN EMBARRASSMENT,
A MISTAKE.
AND GOD FORGIVE ME IF I EVER BECAME ILL
OR GOT HURT.
MY OLDER SISTER,
BY 19 MONTHS,
SHE OF WHOM HAS NEVER LET
A SECOND GO BY
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
WITHOUT BRAGGING CONSTANTLY
THAT SHE WILL ALWAYS BE THE SPECIAL ONE
BECAUSE SHE WAS THE FIRST,
CONTRACTED POLIO WHEN SHE WAS TWO.
AND POLIO,
IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW
OUT TRUMPS ANYTHING,
EVEN A BROKEN/BADLY SPRAINED
FIVE-YEAR-OLD ARM, 
OR A LITTLE GIRL
NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATH,
SUFFERING FROM
A SEVERE ASTHMA ATTACK
JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO PLAY IN THE YARD,
IN THE FRESHLY MOWED GREEN GRASS
WITH HER FRIENDS.
AND
THE ONLY REMEDY
BACK IN THE DAY - 
A HOSPITAL STAY
AND A SHOT OF ADRENALIN,
WHICH ALWAYS MADE ME VERY SHAKY
AND SICK.

I ACTUALLY, THOUGH, HAVE FOND MEMORIES
OF HAVING BAD ASTHMA
WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN,
AND MY SWEET GRANDMA 
TUCKING ME
INTO HER OWN BED
AFTER A VISIT TO THE HOSPITAL,
SHAKING SO BADLY
I COULD HARDLY STAND.

AND AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS
OF NEGLECT AND ABUSE
I WANT TO BE USED BY YOU.
AND I KNOW YOU SEE WHAT'S IN MY HEART -
ACTING AND WRITING,
BOTH GIFTS,
AND SOMEHOW,
FOR WHATEVER REASON,
I FIND BOTH TO BE NATURAL.

BUT MY QUESTION IS,
WHERE DO I BELONG?

WHY, JESUS,
ALL OF THE CLOSED DOORS?
WHY ALL OF THE 'NO WAYS',
AND,
MY FAVORITE,
'ARE YOU AWARE OF
WHO THE HEAD PASTOR IS HERE?
YOU MUST BE JOKING'
AND THE 'NO THANKS,
MAYBE YOU CAN TRY AGAIN NEXT YEAR?'

HOW OLD AM I TO BE
WHEN A WINDOW OR DOOR
IS OPENED,
FINALLY?

MUST I DO THIS BY MYSELF,
WITH YOU PAVING THE WAY,
OF COURSE,
MAKING MY OWN DOORS,
STEPPING WAY OUT IN FAITH?
PUBLISHING MY CHILDREN'S STORY
AND VOLUMES OF MY POETRY?
WILL ANYONE OUT THERE
EVEN BE INTERESTED?
WILL THEY CARE
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY?
THAT NO MATTER WHAT
YOU HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE
BY THOSE YOU LOVE,
THAT YOU ARE OKAY
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE
AND TO TURN TO JESUS?
WILL THEY BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL THEM
THAT YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE
NOR FORSAKE THEM,
AND, NO MATTER WHAT,
YOU WILL LOVE THEM,
ALWAYS.
AND THAT THEY HAVE A PLACE
IN YOUR HEAVENLY KINGDOM.

PROVERBS 3:5-6

TRUST IN THE LORD

WITH ALL YOUR HEART

AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING;

IN ALL YOUR WAYS

SUBMIT TO HIM,

AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT.