THAT I COULD EVER REACH
NEARLY 70 COUNTRIES
(I'VE LOST COUNT)
WITH THESE SIMPLE PROSE
ON MY OWN,
BUT A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE.
IF YOU HAVE NEVER READ
ANY OF MY OTHER MISSIVES,
WHICH, BTW,
YOU ARE MISSING OUT -
LOL,
YOU MAY NOT KNOW CERTAIN THINGS
THAT HAPPENED IN MY CHILDHOOD
AND STILL CONTINUE TO THIS DAY.
(REALLY GOD?
YOU HAVE TO GO AND PICK
THE MOST SENSITIVE ONE? UH,
WELL YOU DID PICK MOSES
AND KING DAVID
AND LET US NOR FORGET ABRAHAM.)
I KNOW I HAVE GOTTEN INTO TROUBLE
FOR TELLING THE TRUTH (GASP!),
BUT,
WHY NOT IF IT HELPS SOMEONE?
WHEN I FIRST STARTED BLOGGING,
MY PRAYER WAS
THAT IF I COULD HELP
JUST ONE PERSON
WHO HAS BEEN HURT, BROKEN, SHATTERED
BY THOSE WHO SHOULD LOVE THEM THE MOST
AND
MADE
TO FEEL INVISIBLE
OR STUPID
OR UGLY
OR,
WELL,
I THINK YOU GET THE PICTURE,
THEN MY JOB HERE
ON THIS MORTAL COIL
THAT HAS NEVER BEEN MY HOME,
WOULD BE DONE.
BUT, NOPE,
GUESS I HAVE MORE TO SAY.
THESE HORRIBLE, TRAGIC THINGS
HAPPENED TO THIS CUTE LITTLE GIRL
NICKNAMED SUNSHINE,
NEARLY EVERY SINGLE DAY.
CROSS MY HEART
AND HOPE TO DIE.
BUT THEN I TURNED FIVE,
AND, ALTHOUGH ON ORDERS
FROM MY VERY STRICT FATHER
(HE HAD IT WORSE, I WAS TOLD,
LIKE THAT'S AN EXCUSE.
HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD
OF A GENERATIONAL CURSE?
SO THE ENTIRE FAMILY
MUST HAVE HAD A MEETING
AND ALL DECIDED,
AFTER VOTING,
TO JUST IGNORE IT.
NO, I AM NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORIST.)
I SUPPOSE IT WAS JUST EASIER
TO IGNORE
WHAT WAS HAPPENING RIGHT UNDER
THERE VERY MANY (LARGE FAMILY) NOSES.
SO, YES, I TURNED FIVE
AND JESUS CAME INTO MY LIFE.
I CAN STILL SMELL THE SWEET BREEZE
MAKING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE SMALL CHURCH,
THROUGH THE STAINED GLASS WINDOWS,
LOOKING UP FRONT WHERE I USED TO LOVE
TO SING TO THE LORD IN THE CHILDREN'S CHOIR.
I STILL SING TO THE LORD,
EVEN THOUGH MY VOICE ISN'T THE BEST,
BUT GOD DOES SAY TO RAISE A JOYFUL VOICE
(I'M PARAPHRASING PSALM 98:4 HERE)
AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE
THAT I LIKE TO DO
AND MAKES ME FEEL BETTER
WHEN I AM BLUE
AND PLANNING MY PITY PARTY
THAN TO SING TO MY KING.
I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO STAND
FOR MORE THAN A FEW SECONDS AT A TIME,
BUT THAT DOESN'T KEEP ME FROM SWAYING
AND RAISING MY HANDS
AS HIGH AND AS LONG AS I CAN
AND I USED TO PLAY THE FLUTE,
SO I CAN KEEP RHYTHM WITH THE DRUMMER,
AND I DO SO WITH MY RIGHT LEG.
IT'S AN EIGHT COUNT.
WHAT'S SO DIFFICULT
WITH KEEPING UP WITH THAT?
I JUST LOVE TO PRAISE MY JESUS.
I PRAISE HIM BACK HERE IN MY BEDROOM,
SHUT MY DOOR SO I DON'T BOTHER MY SON,
AND MY LITTLE DOG ELIVIS ISN'T HOWLING,
SO I GUESS I DON'T SOUND
AS BAD AS I THINK.
JUST ONE MORE THING
TO ADD TO THE LIST
OF THINGS
I WAS LED TO BELIEVE.
SILLY ME.
I WANT TO PRAISE JESUS
THE WAY DAVID DID,
CEPT,
(YEP, I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD THIS BEFORE
FROM ME, BUT I FEEL THAT IT'S WORTH REPEATING.)
NOT IN MY UNDIES.
I WANT GOD TO LOOK DOWN AND SAY,
"LOOK AT MY FAITHFUL DAUGHTER, SHERRIE,
PRAISING ME THROUGH ALL OF HER SUFFERING.
SHE MUST REALLY LOVE ME.")
I WANT MY DADDY TO BE PROUD OF ME.
I WANT TO BE LIKE ENOCH AND NOAH
AND WALK WITH YOU IN THE GARDEN,
JESUS,
PRETTY PLEASE?
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK
FROM YOUR DAUGHTER
WHOM YOU CALL BEAUTIFUL
AND THE APPLE OF YOUR EYE?
OKAY,
SO BACK TO
MY HOPEFULLY NOT BORING
BORN-AGAIN STORY.
IT WAS A USUAL HOT DAY
(IT'S OKAY, IT'S DRY HEAT.)
IN PHOENIX,
ARIZONA,
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
ACCORDING TO MY MOTHER,
SHE WAS UNDER STRICT ORDERS
FROM MY FATHER,
WHOM I LOVED DEARLY
CUZ IT WAS ALWAYS THE TWO OF US
AGAINST THE TWO OF THEM -
MY MOTHER AND BIO SISTER I MEAN,
TO NEVER, EVER, ALLOW EITHER OF US GIRLS
TO ANSWER AN ALTER CALL.
SO WHEN JESUS TUGGED
INDESCRIBABLY ON MY HEART
THAT BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING,
I STOOD UP
AND BEGAN TO RUN TOWARDS
THE ALTER.
THE PULL WAS SO HARD,
LIKE THERE WAS A ROPE TIED AROUND MY HEART,
I JUST HAD NO CHOICE.
I JUST HAD TO GET SAVED
THAT SUNNY SUNDAY MORNING.
I HAD SUCH A DESIRE
TO INVITE JESUS INTO MY HEART,
TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY
AND BE MY HEAVENLY DADDY.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM THAT DAY.
BUT MOTHER
SHOVED ME BACK DOWN INTO THE WOODEN PEW,
AND ALL OF THESE YEARS I'VE BEEN UPSET
WITH HER ABOUT THAT,
AND FINALLY THE TRUE STORY COMES OUT.
JUST AS DID
THAT INFORMATION
THAT THIS WRITING POETRY THING
APPARENTLY SKIPS TWO GENERATIONS
IN ONLY THE WOMEN
IN ONLY MY FATHER'S FAMILY.
(GEE, UNCLE J., DO YOU THINK YOU MAYBE
COULDA
TOLD ME THAT EARLIER?
THAT PARTICULAR INFO
JUST MIGHT HAVE HELPED
WITH THESE NOT BELONGING FEELINGS
I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
AND THAT'S A LONG TIME.)
(WOW! DID I GO TOO FAR THAT TIME?)
SO I ASKED FOR MY MOTHER'S FORGIVENESS.
WHICH,
BTW,
IS WHAT WE ARE TOLD TO DO
IF A BROTHER OR A SISTER
FEELS AS IF
WE HAVE HURT
THEM,
INTENTIONALLY OR NOT
IF WE EVER WANT TO GO TO THE ALTER AGAIN.
LOOK IT UP.
MY FATHER PAST IN JANUARY OF 2002
VERY SUDDENLY
OF THE FLU.
HIS THIRD NOT LEGAL WIFE, WHAT'S-HER-NAME,
(HI. MY NAME IS SHERRIE
AND I AM THE QUEEN
OF PASSIVA AGRESSIVA.)
HAD COME HOME NOT EARLY ENOUGH
TO TAKE MY DAD TO THE DOCTOR,
AND SHE FOUND THAT HE HAD PAST
ALL ALONE
ON THE COLD BATHROOM FLOOR.
AT THE TIME, I ONLY LIVED A FEW HOURS AWAY. BUT WAS I ALLOWED TO SAY GOODBYE
TO MY OWN DADDY,
WHO, EVEN THROUGH THE WORST OF IT,
I LOVED SO DEARLY?
NOPE.
I HAD NO SAY.
I NEEDED TO ASK HIM WHY
HE HAD CUT MY PONYTAIL OFF THAT DAY
AMONGST MANY OTHER THINGS.
OF COURSE NOT.
WHY
SHOULD I,
HIS OWN BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER
DARE BE ALLOWED TO SAY MY GOODBYES,
AND STILL,
TO THIS DAY,
FIFTEEN YEARS LATER,
NOT HAVE ANY CLOSURE?
SHE NEVER LIKED ME FROM THE BEGINNING.
AND SHE PROFESSES TO BE A CHRISTIAN.
(WANNA HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?
I WAS VISITING THEM ONE DAY
WITH MY LITTLE SWEET DOG GIGI
AND DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH
WHEN WHATS-HER-NAME YELLED THROUGH
THE BATHROOM DOOR,
"I HOPE YOU'RE NOT USING
(INSERT HER DAUGHTER'S NAME HERE.)
SPECIAL TOWELS.
WELL, THOSE WERE THE ONLY TOWELS THERE.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I DID DO SOMETHING, THOUGH,
THAT I MUST ASK FORGIVENESS FOR...
I RUBBED THOSE SPECIAL TOWELS
OF HER DAUGHTERS
ALL OVER MY SWEET DOG GIGI.
HEY! I ALREADY CONFESSED
THAT I AM THE QUEEN
OF PASSIVA AGRESSIVA.
I'M ONLY HUMAN.)
THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD
AND WHY CHRISTIANS
ARE BELITTLED.
CHRISTIAN MEANS CHRIST LIKE MEANS LOVE.
K, ME?
BUT, I DIGRESS,
PER USUAL.
JUST HAD TO TAKE THAT PARTICULAR TANGENT.
SO, NO SURPRISE HERE,
ALL OF THE STEPS WERE ALLOWED
TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY DADDY,
THEN NOT-SO-LITTLE MISSY
HAD MY DADDY CREMATED
THE VERY NEXT DAY,
NOT ALLOWING ANY TIME
FOR ANY OF MY DADDY'S BIOLOGICAL FAMILY
TO SAY THEIR GOODBYES.
AM I THE ONLY ONE
WHO THINKS THIS WAS WRONG?
GUESS I STILL
HAVE SOME UNFORGIVENESS TO DEAL WITH.
AND THEN MAMA J, MY DAD'S SECOND
AND LEGAL WIFE,
WHICH IS GREAT
CUZ SHE,
SWEET AS CAN BE,
WAS ABLE TO LIVE OFF OF HIS SOCIAL SECURITY
AND PASS OVER
IN A BEAUTIFUL HOSPICE ROOM,
SIX OF HER EIGHT CHILDREN SURROUNDING HER,
PLUS ONE GRANDCHILD,
MY FAVORITE NIECE LEAH,
PAST DECEMBER 15TH 2015.
(DID I LOSE YOU THERE?)
SHE WAS THE ONE
WHO GAVE ME MY FIRST JOURNAL,
ENCOURAGED ME IN MY DRAWING
AND WRITING.
I USED TO CLIMB ON TOP OF THE HOUSE
TO GET AWAY FROM MY FOUR YOUNGER BROTHERS
AND WRITE.
I WAS RIGHT THERE BY HER SIDE
WHEN SHE LEFT.
IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.
I TOLD HER HOW MUCH I LOVED HER,
KISSED HER CHEEK,
AND A TEAR FELL FROM HER EYE.
BEING THERE WITH HER
IN THIS VERY INTIMATE TIME
SENT ME TO AN ENTIRE NEW PLACE
WITH MY WALK WITH GOD.
IT FELT AS IF BEFORE I WAS CRAWLING,
AND NOW I AM RUNNING.
MAMA J HAD A MASSIVE STROKE,
AND WE, MY HUSBAND AND ME,
WERE ABLE, PRAISE GOD,
TO MAKE THE DRIVE TO TUCSON
FROM RIVERSIDE
JUST IN TIME
FOR ME TO SAY MY GOODBYES
AND WHISPER IN HER EAR
HOW SORRY I WAS FOR THE WAY
I HAD TREATED HER.
(I WAS A SNOTTY 13 DADDY'S GIRL
WHEN WE FIRST MET.)
JUST AS WE ARRIVED,
AS SHE WAS BEING TRANSFERRED TO HOSPICE,
SHE HAD A VERY SMALL WINDOW OF AWARENESS, AND I WAS ABLE TO INTRODUCE HER
TO MY HUSBAND,
SOMETHING
I HAD BEEN PROMISING HER FOR FOUR YEARS.
BUT I LET LIFE GET IN THE WAY.
THANK THE GOOD LORD,
THOUGH, THAT WE MADE IT IN TIME
AND THAT SHE SMILED WHEN I GOT THERE.
MAMA J'S FACE LIT UP
AND I KNOW SHE KNEW I WAS THERE.
YOU SEE,
I HAVE A VERY UNIQUE VOICE,
AND SHE HAS ALWAYS LIKED IT,
EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NEVER LIKED IT,
PROBABLY BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE
TEASED ME ABOUT IT.
AND PROBABLY BECAUSE I SOUND LIKE A LITTLE GIRL, AND THE FACT I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED
OF FAKING IT EVEN BY, NO SURPRISE HERE,
MY SISTER.
(JUST A LITTLE SIDETRACK HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW MY OLDER SISTER BY 19 MONTHS TREATED ME: I HAD SHOT UP TO FIVE FOOT NINE, HAD SHORT AUBURN HAIR AND LIGHT GREEN EYES, AND I HAD A CRUSH ON THIS VERY CUTE BOY WHEN I WAS AROUND 12.
SO I WENT TO THE NEXT SCHOOL DANCE,
AND,
SURPRISE SURPRISE,
HE ASKED ME TO DANCE
A SLOW DANCE
WITH HIM.
BACK THEN,
THE TEACHERS ROAMED THE ROOM
USING A RULER
TO MAKE SURE
YOU DIDN'T DANCE TOO CLOSE.
SO, JUST A FEW SECONDS INTO THIS DANCE,
MY FEET FLOATING ON THE CLOUDS,
MY SISTER BREAKS IN
AND TAKES HIM.
I GUESS
THE FACTS
THAT SHE WAS NOT ONLY THE OLDEST ONE
OF EVERYTHING,
BUT SHE CONTRACTED POLIO IN HER LEG
WHEN SHE WAS TWO
SHE COULD PRETTY MUCH DO
WHATEVER SHE WANTED TO.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET AT IS THIS:
I'M GOING TO BE 62 THIS YEAR,
EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE AT OUR CHURCH THINK
I'M IN MY LATE 40s.
(IS IT A LIE TO NOT CORRECT THEM? HMMMM....) ANYWAY, WE ARE PROMISED BETWEEN 70-80 YEARS: PSALM 90:10 - OUR DAYS MAY COME TO 70 YEARS, OR 80, IF OUR STRENGTH ENDURES; YET THE BEST OF THEM ARE BUT TROUBLE AND SORROW, FOR THEY QUICKLY PASS, AND WE FLY AWAY.
LORD, AFTER ALL OF THIS SUFFERING,
THIS AGONY,
THESE LIES,
THE BEATINGS,
THE RELENTLESS HORRIBLE TEASINGS,
HAVING TO LISTEN TO MY MOTHER
BEING HURT BY MY FATHER
MOST OF WHICH WAS DUE
TO THE UNFORTUNATE FACT
THAT I WAS DOOMED FROM THE START
CUZ I LOOKED WAY WAY TOO MUCH LIKE MY TROUBLEMAKER FATHER.
SINS OF THE FATHER AND ALL.
WHATEVER.
LORD, I AM READY TO FLY AWAY.
HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?
I KNOW WHATEVER I HAVE GONE THROUGH
CAN NEVER COMPARE
TO YOUR SUFFERING.
AND YOU WERE STABBED IN THE BACK
AND DENIED
THREE TIMES
AND SHAMED
AND BLAMED.
BUT, WHEN YOU ARE READY, I AM READY
TO FLY AWAY.
FLY AWAY.
FLY, BUTTERFLY, FLY.
1 CORINTHIANS 10:13 - NO TEMPTATION HAS OVERTAKEN YOU EXCEPT WHAT IS COMMON TO MANKIND. AND GOD IS FAITHFUL; HE WILL NOT LET YOU BE TEMPTED BEYOND WHAT YOU CAN BEAR. BUT WHEN YOU ARE TEMPTED, HE WILL ALSO PROVIDE A WAY OUT SO YOU CAN ENDURE THE.
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