YES, WE MUST
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL OUR HEART.
THOSE WORDS ARE WRITTEN DEEP INSIDE OF ME.
BUT DOES KNOWING THIS HELP ME WHEN STRIFE
TRIES TO SNEAK BACK INTO MY LIFE,
CREEPS INTO MY DAY AND REFUSES TO GO AWAY?
NOPE, 'CUZ I'M A WORRY WART.
HAVE BEEN ALL MY LIFE.
I WORRY ABOUT NEARLY EVERYTHING
EVEN THOUGH MY SWEET JESUS IMPLORES ME
TO LET HIM CARRY ME, CARRY MY BURDENS.
SO HOW DO I DEAL WHEN EARTHLY WORRIES
TIE ME DOWN, NOT FEELING LIKE WRITING
OR POSTING MY THOUGHTS,
ALWAYS WONDERING IF ANYONE IS LISTENING?
WHY CAN'T I JUST LET GO AND LET GOD
AS OTHERS SAY?
WAS IT THE WAY I WAS RAISED,
MY FIRST MEMORY BEING OF COMING HOME FROM SCHOOL AND SEEING ALL THE OPEN BOXES IN THE KITCHEN AND WONDERING YET AGAIN IF MY DADDY
WAS COMING OR GOING;
NEVER REALLY FEELING SAFE AS A CHILD
BECAUSE OF ALL THE SCREAMING MATCHES
EVERY NIGHT,
THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE,
ALL OF THE NAME CALLING?
I STIL FIND IT DIFFICULT TO LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, STILL FEELING UGLY AS I WAS BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE.
AND NOW I AM DISABLED AND NEED HELP
WITH NEARLY EVERYTHING.
SO I RELY ON MY SWEET JESUS, MY SWEET KING.
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT TO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT.
I KNOW THAT NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD,
MOST ESPECIALLY IF YOU INVITE HIM INTO YOUR LIFE.
LET GO AND LET GOD BE IN CONTROL.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME MY SWEET JESUS FOR MY UNBELIEF.
YOU SAY YOU USE THE WEAK TO CONFOUND THE STRONG,
SO USE THIS BROKEN BODY
FOR YOUR GLORY.
AND WHILE YOU ARE AT IT,
COULD YOU PLEASE GIVE ME THE WISDOM
OF SOLOMON?
AND, BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
MY SWEET JESUS.
I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.
PROVERBS 3:5-6-- TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING; IN ALL YOUR WAYS SUBMIT TO HIM, AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT.
I SEE FAMILY AND FRIENDS
WATCHING 👀 THEIR EARTHLY KINGDOMS
CRUMBLE LIKE THE WALLS OF JERICHO.
I USED TO PUT MY LOVE INTO JEWELRY
AND NICE CLOTHES AND OTHER THINGS.
BUT NOW THOSE THINGS DON'T MATTER
BECAUSE I KNOW THEY WON'T LAST.
IT'S SAD TO SEE THOSE I HAVE LOVED 💞
WATCH THEIR EARTHLY KINGDOMS FALL.
AND I TRY TO SHARE
MY SWEET JESUS WITH THEM,
PLANT SEEDS AS BEST I CAN.
BUT DO THEY LISTEN👂
EVEN THROUGH
THEIR HEARTACHE AND PAIN?
I HAVE A KINGDOM WAITING FOR ME IN HEAVEN
YOU KNOW --
ONE THAT WILL NEVER CRUMBLE OR FALL
BECAUSE I PUT MY LOVE AND TRUST
IN GOD'S STRONG HANDS.👏
WHO ELSE? ❤
PSALM 46:1-3 -- GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND STRENGTH, AN EVER-PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE. THEREFORE WE WILL NOT FEAR, THOUGH THE EARTH GIVE WAY AND THE MOUNTAINS FALL INTO TH HEART OF THE SEA, THOUGH ITS WATERS ROAR AND FOAM AND THE MOUNTAINS QUAKE WITH THEIR SURGING.
CHASTISED,
TWICE.
WHAT DO I DO?
SHOULD I CONTINUE
ON THIS PATH
MY LORD HAS SET BEFORE ME,
OR THROW MY HANDS UP AND GIVE UP,
WAVE THE WHITE FLAG,
SURRENDER?
I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE -
GIVEN UP ON GOD I MEAN
AND THINGS DIDN'T GO SO WELL
TO PUT IT MILDLY.
BUT MY HEART IS ACHING,
BLEEDING, CRUSHED.
YOU SEE, THE LARGE CHURCH I ATTEND
WANTS TO PUT US DISABLED PEOPLE
WAY IN THE BACK,
WHERE WE CANNOT SEE ANYTHING,
LOCKED UP AS IF IT IS SOME KIND OF LEPER COLONY.
REALLY?
YOU NOT ONLY MOCK MY SPIRITUAL GIFTS,
BUT DISCOURAGE ME FROM EVEN ATTENDING.
DO I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT
AND JUST PUT UP WITH THESE NAYSAYERS?
THE THING IS
IS THAT I AM TIRED OF RUNNING, HIDING,
NOT SPEAKING UP
IN THE NAME OF THE LORD.
SO I SHALL PULL MY DISABLED CARD
AND CONTINUE TO SIT FRONT AND CENTER
SO I CAN READ THE WORDS OF THE UNFAMILIAR SONGS
ON THE LARGE SCREENS,
NOT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE
STANDING UP IN FRONT OF ME,
KEEPING ME FROM DOING WHAT I LIKE BEST --
PRAISING MY KING.
1 SAMUEL 15:22 -- WHAT IS MORE PLEASING TO THE LORD: YOUR BURNT OFFERINGS AND SACRIFICES OR YOUR OBEDIENCE TO HIS VOICE? LISTEN! OBEDIENCE IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE, AND SUBMISSION IS BETTER THAN OFFERING THE FAT OF RAMS.
I FIND MYSELF
NOT WANTING TO GET OUT OF BED
TODAY,
JUST STAY IN MY PJs
AND MINDLESSLY WATCH TV
AND PONDER ON THE FACT
WHY IN H-E-DOUBLE HOCKY STICKS
MY PASTORS REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE
THE SPIRITUAL GIFTS FROM THE BOOK OF 1 CORINTHIANS,
CHAPTER TWELVE,
MY GOD HAS GIVEN ME.
WHY THE MOCKING?
WHY THE DISBELIEF?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT CUTS MY HEART,
YOU THINKING I AM CRAZY?
AND THEN BEING THROWN OUT OF YOUR BIBLE STUDY
FOR FEELING FREE ENOUGH
TO SHARE MY SPIRITUAL GIFTS AND MY LOVE?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR ME, LORD?
I KNOW YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THESE PARTICULAR GIFTS
FOR A REASON.
YOU DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT IS NOT MEANT
TO BE DONE IN THIS END TIMES SEASON.
SO WHY ME?
WHY AM I THE ONE
THAT SEES THE UNSEEN
THAT KNOWS THE UNKNOWN,
THAT SPEAKS IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF TONGUE?
I AM THE WEAKEST OF THE WEAK,
NOT EVEN ABLE TO STAND UP ON MY OWN.
AND I'M OLD.
WHY DID YOU LEAD ME TO THIS PLACE?
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I LOVE THE PRAISE AND WORSHIP
AND THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET NOT OUT OF CHANCE.
BUT THE FACT THAT MOST OF THE PASTORS THERE
LOOK AT ME WITH DISDAIN
CAUSES SO MUCH PAIN.
THEN I REMEMBER WHAT YOU HAVE SAID,
THAT A PROPHET IS NOT WELCOME
IN HIS OWN HOME TOWN
AND THAT YOUR GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME.
SO THE FACT THAT THEY CHOOSE NOT TO BELIEVE
THE GIFTS YOU HAVE BLESSED ME WITH
WILL NOT STOP ME FROM SERVING YOU,
PUTTING YOU FIRST,
FINISHING THIS RACE
YOU HAVE PLACED BEFORE ME,
GLORIFYING YOUR NAME
DESPITE THE NAYSAYERS.
I WILL BE WANT YOU WANT ME TO BE.
AND WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT DO NOT WISH
TO BELIEVE,
I WILL REMEMBER THAT CHAPTER IN YOUR WORD,
AND KNOW THAT CHANGE IN THIS WORLD
STARTS WITH ONE PERSON BEING OBEDIENT
TO WHAT YOU HAVE CALLED THEM TO BE --
A PROPHET AND ABLE TO SPEAK THE ANGELIC LANGUAGE.
I SHALL DUST MY FEET AND BELIEVE
BECAUSE
WITHOUT YOU, JESUS, I WOULD BE
A POET WITHOUT A MESSAGE.
2 CORINTHIANS 12:19 -- BUT HE SAID TO ME, "MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS." THEREFORE I WILL BOAST ALL THE MORE GLADLY ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES, SO THAT CHRIST'S POWER MAY REST ON ME.
1 CORINTHIANS 12:7 -- NOW TO EACH ONE THE MANIFESTATION OF THE SPIRIT IS GIVEN FOR THE COMMON GOOD. TO ONE THERE IS GIVEN THROUGH THE SPIRIT A MESSAGE OF WISDOM, TO ANOTHER A MESSAGE OF KNOWLEDGE BY MEANS OF THE SAME SPIRIT, TO ANOTHER GIFTS OF HEALING BY THAT ONE SPIRIT, TO ANOTHER MIRACULOUS POWERS, TO ANOTHER PROPHECY, TO ANOTHER DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN SPIRITS, TO ANOTHER SPEAKING IN DIFFERENT KINDS OF TONGUES, AND TO STILL ANOTHER THE INTERPRETATION OF TONGUES. ALL THESE ARE THE WORK OF ONE AND THE SAME SPIRIT, AND HE DISTRIBUTES THEM TO EACH ONE, JUST AS HE DETERMINES.
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE FIRE
SEVERAL TIMES.
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE FLAMES,
THE MORE THAN OCCASIONAL HURRICANE.
THE BUMPS, THE SCRAPES,
THE TEASINGS,
THE TAUNTINGS,
THE BULLYINGS.
THE BRUISES TOO.
BUT I MADE IT THROUGH.
HOW YOU ASK?
ONLY THROUGH MY SWEET JESUS' GRACE.
I DON'T DESERVE HIS LOVE.
I DON'T DESERVE TO BE GIVEN THE GIFT
OF HIS SACRIFICE, HIS FORGIVENESS.
WE ARE ALL BORN INTO SIN,
THANKS TO EVE AND ADAM.
BUT WE ARE SANCTIFIED, PURIFIED
THROUGH HIS BLOOD,
HIS SACRIFICE,
HIS FORGIVENESS ON THAT WOODEN CROSS.
NAILS THROUGH HIS HANDS,
NAILS THROUGH HIS FEET,
HIS SIDE SLICED,
BLEEDING BLOOD AND WATER.
BUT HE LOOKED TO THE LEFT AND THE RIGHT
AND FORGAVE.
THEN THE VERY THICK CURTAIN RIPPED
AND THE EARTH SHOOK.
IF THERE WAS SUCH A THING
AS A TIME MACHINE
THAT'S WHERE I WOULD BE TODAY.
JESUS IS MY GOLDEN KEY.
LUKE 23:39-43 -- ONE OF THE CRIMINALS WHO HUNG THERE HURLED INSULSTS AT HIM: "AREN'T YOU THE MESSIAH? SAVE YOURSELF AND US!"
(40) BUT THE OTHER CRIMINAL REBUKED HIM. "DON'T YOU FEAR GOD," HE SAID, "SINCE YOU ARE UNDER THE SAME SENTENCE? (41) WE ARE PUNISHED JUSTLY, FOR WE ARE GETTING WHAT OUR DEEDS DESERVE. BUT THIS MAN HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG."
(42) THEN HE SAID, "JESUS, REMEMBER ME WHEN YOU COME INTO YOUR KINGDOM."
(43) JESUS ANSWERED HIM, "TRULY I TELL YOU, TODAY YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN PARADISE."
I'M SORRY I ANSWERED A QUESTION
WHEN NONE OF THE OTHER 2O OR SO
WANTED TO.
I'M SORRY I PRAYED OUT LOUD WHEN NO ONE ELSE WANTED TO.
I'M SORRY I COULD NOT JOIN THE OTHER WIVES IN THE KITCHEN DURING BREAK. I CANNOT WALK WITHOUT ASSISTANCE AND MUST WEAR A VERY LARGE UNCOMFORTABLE BRACE ON MY LEG.
I'M SORRY I AM SO FRIENDLY AND UNASSUMING AND CARING AND TRUSTING AND OPENED MY HEART AND JUST WANTED TO BE A PART.
I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION I WAS IN THE COMPANY OF FAMILY. I'M SORRY I MISUNDERSTOOD.
I'M SORRY I SHARED HOW MUCH I LOVE JESUS AND AM NOT ASHAMED TO SAY HIS NAME. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I DO WHAT HE ASKS OF ME AND NOW BLOG MY POETRY ON TV. IT'S MY MINISTRY, YOU SEE - SHARING ABOUT ALL OF THE ABUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH, THE DAILY PAIN I'M IN, AND, GOD WILLING, HELPING OTHERS AND PLANTING SEEDS.
THIS TV THING? GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, THAT IT WAS A STEPPING STONE. AND THE VERY NEXT DAY, A SUNDAY, WHAT DID PASTOR PREACH ABOUT? STEPPING STONES. SO I'M SORRY YOU DON'T GET IT. CONFIRMATION I MEAN.
I'M SORRY I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND LOVE TO HOLD HANDS WITH HIM.
I'M SORRY YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ANNOINTED WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT, ABLE TO SPEAK THE ANGELIC LANGUAGE AND FEEL THE SO AMAZING THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT WARMTH AND LOVE OF THE COMFORTER.
I'M SORRY I AM THE WAY OUR CREATOR MADE ME - TOO SENSITIVE, CARING, SINFUL, AND JUST WANTING, CRYING AS JESUS WOULD, AS I HAVE PRAYED, FOR THE HURT AND THE UNLOVED IN THIS SINFUL WORLD THAT SHALL NEVER BE MY HOME.
I'M SORRY I DON'T FIT IN, DON'T BELONG.
I'M SORRY I'M TOO OPEN AND TRUSTING AND THE TEARS CONTINUE TO FLOW, BUT ONLY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
BUT YOU, MY SWEET JESUS, COLLECT ALL OF THESE SORROWFUL TEARS IN A BOTTLE.
THESE TEARS THAT FLOW TOO FREELY? THEY ARE FOR YOU, MY SWEET JESUS.
GIVE ME YOUR EYES, GIVE ME YOUR HEART FOR THE HURTING AND UNLOVED IN THIS DARK LOST PLACE.
EPHESIANS 1:18-19 I PRAY THAT THE EYES OF YOUR HEART MAY BE ENLIGHTENED IN ORDER THAT YOU MAY KNOW THE HOPE TO WHICH HE HAS CALLED YOU, THE RICHES OF HIS GLORIOUS INHERITANCE IN HIS HOLY PEOPLE, AND HIS INCOMPARABLY GREAT POWER FOR US WHO BELIEVE.
SO I MAY BE READING THIS
WITH A SILLY ACCENT
OR EVEN, GOD, FORBID,
THROW IN,
JUST FOR FUN,
A HICCUP OR A SNEEZE --
STILL WORKING ON MY BURPS.
I FEAR THO, EVEN IF I CAN
VERY EASLY,
CRY ON CUE,
THAT BURPS ARE NOT YET
PART OF MY REPARTEE.
JUST A SIMPLE WARNING
IN CASE ANYONE WANTS TO TAKE OFFENSE.
WHAT HAS BROUGHT ON
THIS SELF-EXAMINATION
OF MY SELF-EXPRESSION
WHICH I PRAY
GLORIFIES JESUS,
NEVER ME,
YOU MAY ASK.
YOU DID ASK,
DID YOU NOT?
WELL, REGARDLESS, YESTERDAY,
WE, MY HUSBAND AND ME,
WERE CALLED INTO
A VERY TINY OFFICE
IN THIS GIGANTOR CHURCH WE ATTEND
BY A VERY YOUNG MAN,
A PASTOR HE SAID,
WHOM WE HAD MET JUST THE DAY BEFORE.
I WONDERED WHY HE HAD MADE A POINT
OF INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO US.
SILLY ME.
I THOUGHT IT WAS TO ENCOURAGE ME.
SO, CALLED TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE,
MY BODY ALREADY WRACKED WITH PAIN,
AND NOT HELPING THAT WE WERE
MADE TO WAIT FOR HIM
EVEN THOUGH HE HAD CALLED US
JUST THAT VERY MORNING,
AS IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
I AM QUITE SURE HE KNOWS I SUFFER
FROM SOMETHING.
THE LARGE BRACE ON MY LEG
AND THE WHEELCHAIR I WAS IN
WHEN I FIRST MET HIM
SURELY GAVE IT AWAY,
THAT I WAS DISABLED
AND IN SOME AMOUNT OF PAIN.
SO THE REASON FOR THIS 'APPOINTMENT'
WITH ONE OF THE ZILLION 'PASTORS'
AT GIGANTOR CHURCH?
IT SEEMS AS IF SOME GOSSIPING
AND JUDGING HAD BEEN HAPPENING.
NOT BY US,
BY THEM.
AND, APPARENTLY BY OTHERS.
WITHOUT EVEN TAKING THE TIME
AND CALLING ME
PERSONALLY
TO GET THEIR FACTS STRAIGHT,
THESE MEN DECIDED
TO COME TO THEIR OWN
CONCLUSION.
WHICH WAS COMPLETELY WRONG.
WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO MY
SENSITIVITY COMPASS YESTERDAY?
WELL, IT WAS ACTING UP.
BUT IN MY STOMACH.
I WAS EXCITED, THOUGH,
TO BE GIVEN A CHANCE
TO TESTIFY
HOW GOD WAS WORKING IN MY LIFE,
IN MY MINISTRY,
WITH THE SUCCESS OF THESE SIMPLE
WORDS I WRITE
ON TV.
YOUTUBE I MEAN.
SO I THROW IN SOME SNEEZES
AND HICCUPS
AND MY SOUTHERN ACCENT
JUST TO HAVE FUN.
GOD INVENTED LAUGHTER,
EMOTION.
HE WANTS US TO BE HAPPY.
BUT, WHEN I TRIED TO TESTIFY?
YOUNG PASTOR'S RESPONSE WAS,
AND I QUOTE,
"WHAT DO HICCUPS HAVE TO DO
WITH GOD?"
REALLY?
THAT'S YOUR RESPONSE,
RATHER THAN ENCOURAGING
A MEMBER OF YOUR FLOCK?
I MAY NOT BE A PASTOR,
BUT I HAVE READ GOD'S WORD
A TIME OR TWO
AND I KNOW THAT HE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR TOO.
I WAS BEING
REBUKED FOR BEING TOO JOYFUL
REGARDING GOD'S PRECIOUS
SPIRITUAL GIFTS HE HAS BLESSED
ME WITH.
AND THEN I ALSO, TO MY DISMAY,
REALIZED THAT A CONCLUSION
SOME OF THE MANAGEMENT HAD MADE
ABOUT MY MARRIAGE AND MY HUSBAND
AND ME
WAS COMPLETELY MISCONTSTRUED
AND NOT CORRECT IN THE LEAST.
SO WE HAD NOT ONLY BEEN JUDGED
BY SO CALLED LEADERS
BUT GOSSIPED ABOUT AS WELL.
SWELL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
THIS CAME AS A SURPRISE.
I HAVE NOT HIDDEN THE FACT
THAT I HAVE HAD THE OCCASIONAL
DREAM
AND VISION
AND REALIZATIONS.
A PROPHETTESS, IF YOU WILL.
AND I WAS SUDDENLY REMINDED
THAT THERE WAS NO SUCH THING
AS A WOMAN PROPHET
IN THE OLD TESTAMENT,
IN THE COMPANY OF KINGS.
DOES THIS, ME BEING BORN FEMALE,
MADE THE WAY GOD INTENDED TO MAKE ME,
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO,
I WONDERED TO MYSELF
LATE LAST NIGHT
AS I WRITE WHAT I WRITE,
WITH THE FACT THAT THESE MEN
WERE SO QUICK TO GOSSIP AND JUDGE?
THAT I AM FEMALE, I MEAN.
EVEN IF THEY KNEW ME, WHICH THEY DON'T,
OR EVEN HALF OF THE ABUSE I'VE LIVED THROUGH,
THAT IS NO EXCUSE.
YES, WE ARE GOING TO BE JUDGED.
BUT BY A SO CALLED PASTOR,
A MUCH YOUNGER BROTHER-IN-THE LORD?
DOES HE KNOW,
DOES HE CARE,
DOES HE REALIZE
THE NEGATIVE IMPACT HE HAD
ON MY MINISTRY,
MY WRITING,
AND HOW MUCH HE CRUSHED MY HEART,
SQUASHED ME DOWN
AS IF I WAS SOME KIND OF
DISRUPTIVE BUG.
THIS IS MY HOME CHURCH NOW, THOUGH,
SO MY HUSBAND AND I WILL CONTINUE
TO GO -- NOT FOR THE PASTORS,
BUT BECAUSE OF THE MUSIC
AND THE WORSHIP
AND THE FEW REAL BROTHERS
AND SISTERS IN THE LORD
I HAVE MADE FRIENDS WITH,
A DIFFICULT THING FOR ME TO DO,
AS, EVEN THOUGH I MAY PUT
ON A GOOD SHOW,
I AM STILL THAT SHY SENSITIVE TALL GANGLY GIRL THAT WAS CALLED STUPID AND UGLY NEARLY HER ENTIRE LIFE.
THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME MOVING,
IS THAT I KNOW I AM ON THE RIGHT PATH,
OTHERWISE WHY WOULD I BE ATTACKED
LIKE THAT?
NOTHING AND NO ONE IS GOING TO
KEEP ME FROM WRITING, FROM SHARING,
FROM ENCOURAGING, FROM LOVING
THE HURT AND THE UNLOVED.
FOR IT IS UP TO GOD ALONE TO JUDGE.
AND AS FOR THAT GOSSIPING THING?
THEY CAN TAKE IT UP WITH MY KING.
PROVERBS 15:13 - A HAPPY HEART MAKES THE FACE CHEERFUL, BUT HEARTACHE CRUSHES THE SPIRIT.
JAMES 5:13 - IS ANYONE AMONG YOU IN TROUBLE? LET THEM PRAY. IS ANYONE HAPPY? LET THEM SING SONGS OF PRAISE.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE.
LIFE HAS BEEN KINDA
EVEN MORE THAN USUALLY HARD
THESE DAYS OF LATE.
I WAS RECENTLY ASSAULTED,
NOT TO MENTION THREATENED
BY,
AS I SHALL HERETOFORE REFER TO HIM AS 'BEAR'.
K?
THIS BEAR
BEING THRICE MY SIZE
SIDEWAYS
EVER SINCE I LOST OVER 80 POUNDS,
HONESTLY, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW
FEAR DOES NOT COME FROM THE LORD,
SCARES THE SHADRACH, MESCHAH
AND ABEDNEGO OUT OF MY SOUL.
WHAT BEAR WOULDN'T?
I AM STILL SO HURT AND FRUSTRATED
THAT THE BEAR NOT ONLY HAD THE AUDACITY
TO MAKE UP THESE NONSENSICAL
RIDICULOUS
LUDICROUS LIES
ABOUT MY SON AND MY HUSBAND AND ME,
BUT TO SHOVE ME, A DISABLED WOMAN
TWICE HIS AGE,
BUT TO ALSO
THREATEN TO
MORE OR LESS
SKIN OFF MY TATTOO
IF I WANTED A REFUND.
SO, YES, I ADMIT
I HAVE INHERITED A BIT OF A TEMPER
MOST LIKELY FROM MY GINGER
SCOTTISH ANCESTORS,
AND I TOLD BEAR,
FINE, IF HE WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THAT,
THEN LET'S GO THERE
AND DISCUSS THE MONEY HE OWES MY HUSBAND
FOR THE NOT-SO-WELL STICK A FORK IN ME
CUZ I'M NOT QUITE DONE,
DRAGONFLY TATTOO
(WHICH, BEAR, BTW, NEVER ASKED ME
WHAT COLOR I WANTED DEEJ TO BE {PURPLE,
LAVENDER, PINK -- PICK YOUR POISON})
THAT HE NOT ONLY DID NOT FINISH,
BUT I ASKED HIM TO
DO THE TATTOO FOR ME MONTHS EARLIER
THAN I HAD ORIGINALLY PLANNED
JUST SO I COULD HELP BEAR WITH THE EXPENSES
WHEN HIS DAD PAST.
I HAD ACTUALLY WANTED TO WAIT
AND HAVE IT DONE, ON MY RIGHT WRIST,
FOR MY 60TH BIRTHDAY.
CELEBRATE.
BUT IT WORKED OUT OKAY
IN A WAY
CUZ NOW I CALL MY DRAGONFLY,
WHO REPRESENTS REBIRTH,
DEEJ
IN HONOR OF MY BABY BROTHER, DOUG,
AND MY MAMA JAN,
WHO WENT TO BE WITH MY SWEET JESUS
LAST YEAR, RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
WE, THE SIX OUT OF EIGHT OF HER CHILDREN,
ALONG WITH MY NEW SWEET NIECE,
MAMA JAN'S GRANDDAUGHTER,
JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T MAKE THAT CONNECTION,
HAD JUST FINISHED DECORATING HER ROOM
FOR CHRISTMAS,
MAMA JAN'S FAVORITE HOLIDAY,
WHEN SHE BREATHED HER TWO LAST FINAL
SWEET BREATHS.
SHE WENT SO GENTLY INTO THAT QUIET GOOD NIGHT,
AS DID MY SWEET COCO INTO
THE SWEET BY AND BY,
JUST THE WAY I PRAY FOR ME.
BUT, HONESTLY,
I'D MUCH RATHER BE RAPTURED.
WOO HOO!
BEAM ME UP JESUS!
I STILL HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE 'BRAVE BUNNY'
LITTLE CUTE PILLOW SHE BOUGHT FOR ME
IN ENCOURAGEMENT,
LIKE A BABY THAT NEEDS
IT'S BINKY
IN ORDER TO SLEEP.
SO, BACK TO MY STORY.
TALK ABOUT BEING A BABY,
BEAR YELLS OUT TO ME,
AFTER ME REMINDING HIM WE HAD ALREADY
PAID HIM
A LOT OF MONEY IN CASH,
"PROVE IT!"
EXCUSE' MOI'.
MY BAD.
I WAS NOT AWARE
WE WERE STILL IN GRADE SCHOOL
ON THE PLAYGROUND.
AND LITTLE MISSY,
SUPPOSEDLY A CHRISTIAN,
IS GOING RIGHT ALONG WITH THE SCARY BEAR.
GOOD TESTIMONY THERE
LITTLE SISTER.
I HAD EVEN TRIED TO HELP HER
IN HER LITTLE CANDLE MAKING PROJECT
AND BOUGHT HER SOME VERY EXPENSIVE
AROMATHERAPY SCENT,
YLANG YLANG,
FIFTY BUCKS FOR A TINY ITSY BITSY BOTTLE.
CAN YOU SAY THE WORD
'HYPOCRITE'?
CUZ YOU AND THAT SCARY BEAR
THAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY
HAS LIED TO YOUR FACE
AND SAID WE HAD STOLEN
FOOD FROM YOU.
HEY,
AS 'THEY' SAY
THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDIN'.
BTW, WHO IS 'THEY' ANYWAYS?
HAPPY?
I AM,
CUZ JUST SAYING
SO TO SPEAK
EVERYTHING
OUT LOUD,
WRITING IN MY DIARY
ALMOST EVERY DAY,
GIVES ME COMFORT,
PEACE,
KNOWING,
SHOWING
SOMEHOW THAT I AM SAYING,
AS I HONESTLY TRY,
ENDEAVOR,
DECLARE,
CONFESS THE TRUTH
TO MY SWEET JESUS,
MY KING,
WHO HAS FORGIVEN ME
EVERYTHING
BY HIS SACRIFICAL BLOOD,
SO THAT OTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN HURT
IN ANY INCONEIVABLE WAY,
BY SELFISH 'PEOPLE' LIKE YOU
CAN BE HELPED
SOMEHOW.
WIPE YOUR FEET;
MOVE ON.
THEIR TOXICITY IN AND OF ITSELF
DOESN'T MAKE EVEN THINKING
ABOUT EITHER OF THEM
FOR LESS THAN
HALF A SPLIT SECOND
WORTH IT
TO YOU.
AS A WISE WOMAN ONCE SAID
"UNFORGIVENESS WEIGHS YOU DOWN."
HMMMM.....WAS THAT MOI'.
IT JUST HURTS ME,
THE UNFORGIVENESS
I MEAN.
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW IS NOT JUST A SAYING,
IT'S IN THE BIBLE.
BUT AFTER LOOKING AT BEAR'S
SO VERY OBVISOULY NOT CHRISTIAN
FACEBOOK PAGE,
(THEY LET BEARS ON FACEBOOK?)
IT DOESN'T LOOK TO ME
AS IF EITHER ONE OF YOU ARE LIVING
AS YOU SHOULD,
ACCORDING TO GOD'S WORD
THAT YOU SUPPOSEDLY KNOW.
BUT IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS
CUZ I HAVE THIS THING CALLED
'STAYING ON COURSE',
LETTING GOD PILOT MY LITTLE CANOE,
LETTING GO OF THE WHEEL
AND JUST RIDING,
FLOATING.
CUZ,
YOU SEE,
I BELIEVE JESUS KNOWS THE WAY.
WELL, HE IS THE WAY.
I SHALL TAKE ARTISTIC LICENSE
AND REPEAT MYSELF -
CAN YOU SAY 'HYPOCRITE'?
BUT I AM NOT WITHOUT SIN,
SO I SHALL NOT THROW STONES
AT YOUR GLASS HOUSE
THAT SHALL SOON SHATTER
INTO TINY LITTLE BITS AND PIECES,
EVERYWHERE,
NEVER TO BE PUT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN,
AS ALL THE KING'S MEN
DID
FOR HUMPTY DUMPTY.
REMEMBER THAT STORY?
I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE,
BUT,
YA KNOW?
CUZ, SOMETHING I HAVE TO REPEAT TO MYSELF
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ON A,
NO LIE,
DAILY BASIS,
ULTIMATELY, FOREVER AND ALWAYS,
MY GOD IS IN CONTROL.
I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT HELP THOSE TWO.
I PROMISE YOU,
EXCEPT JUST YELLING AT THEM FROM THE
BIG BACK YARD ONE MORNING,
VENTING.
IT HELPS ME SOMETIMES
TO VENT TO MYSELF.
HEY, LIKE YOU HAVEN'T DONE SO
AT SOME TIME OR OTHER.
I MEAN VENT,
MUMBLE TO YOURSELF.
IF NOT, NO WORRIES,
YOU WILL WHEN YOU GET OLDER.
WELL, AS I HAVE STATED BEFORE,
HELLO, MY NAME IS STEVIE,
AND I AM THE QUEEN OF PASSIVA/AGRESSIVA.
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE THAT DAY,
THO,
THANK YOU LORD,
AND I WAS ABLE TO MEET THE NICE GENTLEMAN
AND HIS DOGS
THAT LIVE NEXT DOOR.
SO, I USUALLY DON'T GO OUTSIDE
WHEN MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME
CUZ I TEND TO FALL A LOT,
'TIMBER'.
AND HAVE TO HAVE THE SWEET PARAMEDICS
AND FIREMEN
COME AND HELP
LIKE THEY HAVE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE.
SO MANY TIMES
THEY EVEN KNOW THE NAMES OF MY DOGS.
PS: THEY HAD TO COME THE DAY I WROTE
THIS LITTLE MISSIVE,
AND THEY WERE AS SWEET AS EVER.
I ALWAYS FEEL SO BAD WHEN THEY HAVE
TO COME AND HELP ME OUT
WHEN I'VE HAD YET ANOTHER ACCIDENT.
YOU SEE,
IF YOU HAVE READ ANY OF MY POETRY,
YOU WOULD KNOW
THAT I WAS BROUGHT UP
THAT IT WAS SHAMEFUL
TO CRY OR SHOW PAIN IN FRONT OF OTHERS,
ESPECIALLY
IF YOUR PRECIOUS OLDER BY 19 MONTHS
BIO-SISTER
HAD CONTRACTED POLIO WHEN SHE WAS JUST TWO,
THE SAME YEAR THE ACTUAL POLIO VACCINE,
THAT THEY ALWAYS GAVE TO US LITTLE UNS
IN A SUGAR CUBE
THAT YEAR WAS TAINTED.
SO MY MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT
TO GIVE SWEET BIO-SIS THE VACCINE,
SO SHE DECIDED IT WASN'T WORTH THE RISK,
BUT BIO-SIS,
THE OLDEST CHILD, GRANDCHILD,
GREAT GRANDCHILD...WHATEVER,
WELL, I THINK YOU GET MY DRIFT,
CONTRACTED POLIO IN HER LEG.
AND WHY O WHY
DID SHE FIND THE NEED
TO BRAG ABOUT BEING THE OLDEST OF EVERYTHING?
I GUESS SHE FELT IT WAS HER PLACE
TO REMIND EVERYONE ELSE,
MOST ESPECIALLY ME.
BUT NOW I SEE SHE IS
A LOST LITTLE SHEEP.
OKAY,
I GIVE UP BIO-SIS.
YOU WIN.
YOU ARE THE OLDEST.
TA DAH!
HERE'S YOUR BALLOONS
AND CANDY.
TELL ME,
PLEASE,
HONESTLY,
DID I JUST SAY SOMETHING
JUST WAY TRES' HARSHLY?
THESE HEROES I PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED
HAVE BEEN TO RESCUE ME SO MANY TIMES
THEY KNOW THAT THEY HAVE TO LOCK
MY LITTLE GUARD-DOG DACHSHUND
IN THE BATHROOM
CUZ HE WON'T LET ANYONE NEAR ME
CEPT MY HUSBAND AND SON.
IN FACT,
HIS NEW NICKNAME IS LASSIE
CUZ ONE OF THE LAST TIMES I FELL
(I FALL SO MUCH, I'VE LOST COUNT),
I FELL HEAD FIRST INTO THE BATHROOM,
MY RIGHT ARM STUCK UNDER THE
UNDER-THE-SINK CLOSET,
AND AS I WAS YELLING OUT
AS LOUD AS I COULD,
WHICH REALLY ISN'T LOUD AT ALL,
ELVIS JUMPED OVER ME
O SO GENTLY,
THEN SAT RIGHT BY MY HEAD
AND STARTED HOWLING.
MY HERO.
BUT COCO, WHO WENT TO BE WITH JESUS
OCTOBER FIRST,
JUST ONE WEEK BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY,
ALWAYS HAD THIS SWEET LOOK ON HER FACE,
LOVING EVERYONE,
SMILING.
MY HEART IS ACHING SO,
SINCE COCO WENT TO BE WITH JESUS
(YES, I BELIEVE DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.)
BUT THE BLESSINGS
THAT HAVE BEEN FLOWING
OUR WAY
ARE SO ASTOUNDING
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE ME
IF I TOLD YOU.
BUT I WILL,
CUZ'
LIKE I SAY,
THIS IS , AFTER ALL,
ALL ABOUT ME,
I AM GONNA TELL YOU ANYWAYS.
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THESE RELENTLESS
ATTACKS FROM THE ENEMY,
REBUKING HIM BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS,
SIDEWAYS, ETC.
AND CONSTANTLY PLEADING THE BLOOD OF JESUS,
DOING MY SPIRITUAL WARFARE,
I WAS GETTING RATHER WORN, TORN,
I HAVE HAD THE AUDACITY
TO PRAY FOR GABRIEL.
YEAH, LIKE I DESERVE AND ARCHANGEL
TO BE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL.
SO THE OTHER DAY, MY HUSBAND, PAUL,
TOLD ME HE FELT THAT GOD HAD REVEALED
TO HIM
THAT THE ARCHANGEL MICHAEL WAS HERE.
Oooooo..
GOOSEBUMPS TIME.
THAT'S THE HOLY GHOST.
WOW! WAS I SPEECHLESS.
AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT MOI'.
AND EVERYTIME I SPEAK OF THIS,
EVEN RIGHT NOW,
AS I AM WRITING THIS,
IT'S LIKE THIS BEAUTIFUL SOFT LIGHT
ENTERS MY BEDROOM,
WARMS MY SOUL,
TO MY VERY CORE.
AND THE WORDS
FLOW
FROM MY HEART
TO MY FINGERS
TO YOU.
HI. MY NAME IS SHERRIE SUNSHINE STEVIE
SCHREIBER,
AND I AM A JESUS FREAK.
PRAISE GOD FOR MEN AND WOMEN
WHO GIVE THEIR TIME AND THEIR VERY LIVES,
SACRIFICE.
TO HELP OTHERS THEY MOST LIKELY
DON'T EVEN KNOW.
(HEY! THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE I KNOW.
I PRAY YOU KNOW HIM TOO.)
THEY, THESE HEROES, SHOULD BE
THE ONES
BEING PAID
THE OUTRAGEOUS MONEY
THESE SO CALLED MOVIE STARS MAKE,
LIVING AS IF THEY WERE ROYALTY.
LISTEN,
TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE AND
STILL CAN BE QUITE THE GOOD ACTRESS,
AS SEEN ON 'TAPE',
IF EVER GIVEN THE CHANCE AGAIN,
ACTING IS EASY.
IT'S JUST PRETENDING.
IT'S FUN, YES,
BUT NOT WORTH MILLIONS
WHEN SO MANY PEOPLE IN OUR OWN WORLD
ARE HOMELESS,
WITHOUT SHELTER OR FOOD OR HOPE.
SO, YES, I TOOK MY TWO DOGS THEN OUTSIDE,
AND SAW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IT WAS,
AND REALIZED THE YOUNGSTERS UP FRONT
HAD DECIDED MOST LIKELY AT SOME
HUSH HUSH DISCUSION BEWEEN
JUST THE TWO OF THEM,
HAD NEARLY EVERY CHAIR
AND TABLE OUT THERE
AND MADE IT THERE OWN.
BEAR?
HE ACTS AS IF HE OWNS MY HUSBAND'S
MOTHER'S HOME.
HEY, 'MEMBER ME,
YOUR APPARENTLY
SWORN ENEMY?
I AM THE ONE THAT IS DISABLED
AND HAVE TO USE A WHEELCHAIR JUST TO GET
ANYWHERE
OR CRUTCHES ON A GOOD DAY,
AND WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF A CHAIR
COULD BE AND STAY THERE WHERE WE PUT IT,
PREFERABLY UNDER THE SHADE SOMEWHERE,
BY OUR DOOR.
O, WAIT, YOU HAVE NOTICED THAT
I AM IN PAIN AND DISABLED
CUZ YOU ASKED ME ONE TIME
FOR SOME OF MY PAIN MEDICINE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IS ILLEGAL?
I GET SCARED SOMETIMES
BECAUSE IF THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH
THESE LIES AND SCARE TACTICS,
NOT TO MENTION THE BATTERY AND ASSAULT,
AND TELLING ME TO SKIN OFF MY TATTOO?
HONESTLY, WHAT KIND OF BEAR
DOES IT TAKE
TO SAY SOMETHING SO
GASPINGLY
GHASTLY?
YEP.
IT IS MY BELIEF
THAT
THEY JUST MAY BE COOKING UP
AN EVIL PLAN
TO SOMEHOW GET THIS WHOLE ENTIRE HOUSE
ALL TO THEIR SILLY LITTLE SELVES.
BUT I AM A BIT
OF A CONSPIRACY THEORIST.
AND,
LOL,
GUESS THEY DIDN'T KNOW,
ALSO,
THAT GOD HAD PREPARED ME LONG AGO
WITH THE SPIRITUAL GIFT OF PROPHECY.
TEE HEE.
AND NOW,
THE ARCHANGEL MICHAEL IS HERE.
O, THE WARMTH AND PEACE,
OF BEING HIDDEN IN GOD'S WINGS.
I DON'T DESERVE THIS SPECIAL TREATMENT,
BUT, HEY, I'LL TAKE IT.
SO GO AHEAD.
BUILD YOUR KINGDOM
ON THIS MORTAL COIL
THAT,
BTW,
WAS NOT MADE TO LAST.
CUZ I'VE BEEN WATCHING SOME CERTAIN
PERSON'S KINGDOM THAT HE HAS BUILT FOR HIMSELF
NEARLY ALL OF HIS LIFE
CRUMBLE,
WASTE AWAY,
RIGHT BEFORE HIS VERY EYES.
IT'S SAD.
HE REALLY,
WE ALL REALLY
NEED JESUS.
WHY DOES ANY OF THIS NONSENSE
THESE TWO SILLY LITTLE ONES DO
SURPRISE ME?
AND WHY DO I EVEN LET IT GET TO ME,
TAKING IT WAY TOO PERSONALLY?
I HEAR FROM GOD,
AND I KNOW THEIR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET ---
KICK US OUT OF THE GRANNY FLAT
AND MAKE IT THEIR OWN HOME,
RENT-FREE, OF COURSE,
BEAR IS TOO LAZY TO SUPPORT
LITTLE GIRL, LEST HIS LAZY CRAZY BEAR SELF.
WE SHARE A VERY THIN DOOR,
AND BEAR TOOK IT ON HIMSELF
TO CHANGE THE LOCK,
SO NOW IT LOCKS
FROM THEIR SIDE AND NOT OURS.
THE LOCK THAT MY HUSBAND HAD INSTALLED
WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED
AND MOVED BACK HERE,
LOCKED FROM OUR SIDE
SO WE COULD HAVE SOME PRIVACY.
BUT, I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS AGAIN SO SURPRISED
WHEN
BEAR NOT ONLY REPLACED IT,
BUT WOULDN'T EVEN RETURN IT.
HE DECIDED IT WOULD BE BETTER
APPARENTLY
TO JUST DESTROY IT INSTEAD.
WELL, GUESS WHAT, YOU TWO YOUNG UNS,
YOU ARE WELCOME TO THE GRANNY FLAT,
CUZ GOD HAS AWESOME, WONDERFUL,
AMAZING PLANS FOR MY LITTLE FAMILY.
AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I WANT TO STAY ON COURSE,
FINISH THIS RACE,
RECEIVE MY PRIZE,
AND STAY FOREVER BY
MY SWEET JESUS' SIDE
ALWAYS.
FORGIVE ME, PLEASE,
IF I HAVE BEEN REDUNDANT,
IT'S ONLY THAT I AM EXCITED,
CUZ,
I SWEAR (I REALLY DON'T)
THAT EVERYTIME I SPEAK OF THIS,
LIKE RIGHT NOW,
THERE IS A SWEET BREEZE,
A SOFT BRIGHT GENTLE LIGHT,
AND WARM GOOSEBUMPS LOVINGLY
ENFOLD ME
AND TELLS ME WHAT TO WRITE IN THIS DIARY
I HAVE SHARED WITH THE WORLD.
I PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS.
GET BEHIND ME, SATAN,
YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME
AND MY LITTLE HAPPY FAMILY.
MATTHEW:43-48 -- "YOU HAVE HEARD THAT IT WAS SAID, 'LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AND HATE YOUR ENEMY.' BUT I TELL YOU, LOVE YOUR ENEMIES AND PRAY FOR THOSE WHO PERSECUTE YOU THAT YOU MAY BE CHILDREN OF YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN. HE CAUSES HIS SUN TO RISE ON THE EVIL AND THE GOOD, AND SENDS RAIN ON THE RIGHTEOUS AND UNRIGHTEOUS...
