IF I AM TO FORGIVE,
WHICH I MUST IF I AM TO CONTINUE TO LIVE,
TO CONTINUE ON THIS PATH
GOD SET BEFORE ME
BEFORE I WAS EVEN ME,
THIS QUEST
THAT HAS A REWARD AT THE END.
I CAN JUST SEE HIM - MY SWEET JESUS.
YOU SEE,
UNFORGIVENESS ONLY HURTS ME.
I THINK I UNDERSTAND THAT SCRIPTURE NOW,
AT LEAST A LITTLE,
PROVERBS FOUR TWENTY THREE:
"GUARD YOUR HEART,
FOR EVERTHING YOU DO FLOWS FROM IT."
FORGIVE, LET THAT SIN OF OTHERS,
THE HURT, THE PAIN,
THE BURDEN IN YOUR
HEART, ON YOUR SHOULDERS,
ROLL OFF YOUR BACK
LIKE WATER OFF OF A DUCK.
EVEN SENSITIVE ME,
WHO WEARS HER HEART ON HER SLEEVE,
AM TRYING HARD TO GUARD MY HEART
BECAUSE IT IS ALREADY STILL SO CRUSHED
AND SCARRED
AND HURT AND JUST WANTING TO BE LOVED
FOR ME
BY FORGIVING THOSE I FEEL HAVE HURT ME
IN ANY WAY
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
THOSE PEOPLE
HAVE LONG AGO
FORGOTTEN WHAT THEY DID,
THE PAIN THEY INFLICTED
THAT HAS STAYED WITH ME FOR DECADES.
AND I AM STILL BEING BLAMED.
SO IN ORDER TO CONTINUE ON THIS QUEST,
TO LET THIS HURT ROLL OFF OF MY BACK,
LIKE WATER OFF OF A DUCK,
I MUST FORGIVE AND WIPE MY FEET
AND MOVE ON.
JUST MAKE A CLEAN CUT.
AND REMEMBER THAT IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
JESUS LOVES ME, THIS I KNOW,
FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
AND IT IS WELL WITHIN MY SOUL.
PSALM 19:14 - MAY THESE WORDS OF MY MOUTH AND THIS MEDITATION OF MY HEART BE PLEASING IN YOUR SIGHT, LORD, MY ROCK AND MY REDEEMER.
I MUST CONFESS,
I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING THIS CHURCH
BECAUSE OF THE PARTICULAR PASTOR THERE -
A VERY WELL-KNOWN PARTICULARMAN
IN THIS PARTICULAR CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY.
AT FIRST, I WAS EXCITED - WOW! GREG LAURIE?
REALLY?
WOW! I THOUGHT, AS I SAT WAY IN THE BACK,
SECTION Z,
LEPROSY COLONY,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE HANDICAPPED ZONE.
I WAS SOON TO LEARN THAT THE FIRST SEVEN
ROWS OR SO ARE RESERVED FOR THE USHERS
AND THEIR FAMILIES AND THEIR BESTIES.
WAIT, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
ISN'T THAT A LITTLE BASS-ACKWARDS,
AS MY GRANDDADDY WOULD SAY?
AND WHEN AN USHER NAMED JEFF YELLED
AT ME FOR WANTING TO SIT CLOSER
SO I COULD READ THE WORDS OF THE SONGS
ON THE VERY LARGE MONITORS,
A HARD THING TO DO
FROM THE LEPROSY COLONY
WITH EVERYONE IN THE GINORMOUS CHURCH
STANDING UP ALL AROUND YOU.
AND, BTW, PRAISING MY SWEET JESUS
IS MY FAVORITE THING TO DO.
AND THEN, ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT,
WANTING SOME MEAT IN MY LIFE,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS LEARNING MORE
AND MORE AND MORE
ABOUT MY LORD,
THE THREE USHERS LAUGHED AT ME
WHEN I ASKED IF I COULD SIT
WITHIN SPITTING DISTANCE.
AND DO YOU KNOW THAT MY BEST FRIEND
IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
SAT IN THAT CHURCH
FOR TWO ENTIRE YEARS
ALL BY HER BEAUTIFUL SELF
WITH NO ONE SPEAKING TO HER?
AND I HAD FELT BAD THAT I HAD SAT
THERE FOR A YEAR WITHOUT MAKING FRIENDS.
WHAT KIND OF CHURCH IS THIS?
THE PASTOR HAS THESE BIG STADIUM-SIZED
FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD REVIVALS.
AND ALL OF THESE PEOPLE COME FORWARD
TO ASK JESUS INTO THEIR HEARTS
AND INVITED TO HARVEST TO GET TO KNOW MORE
ABOUT OUR LORD.
BUT IF THEY DO DECIDE TO COME THERE,
WILL THEY CONTINUE THEIR QUEST
OF HAPPINESS
OR JUST GIVE UP OUT OF LONLINESS?
WILL SOMEONE WHO THINKS HE IS SPECIAL
BECAUSE HE IS A HEAD USHER
YELL AT A HURTING SOUL
FOR NO OTHER REASON
THAN THAT THEY ARE DISABLED?
WHAT HAVE WE COME TO?
IF JESUS WALKED INTO THAT CHURCH.
WOULD HE BE TURNED AWAY?
IT SAYS CLEARLY IN GOD'S WORD
THAT WE ARE NOT TO ATTEND A CHURCH
JUST BECAUSE OF SOME 'FAMOUS' PASTOR.
THE QUESTION IS, MY SWEET JESUS,
WHY MUST I REMAIN?
HOW AM I, ONE PERSON, TO CHANGE
THIS POWERFUL ENTITY
KNOWN AS GREG LAURIE?
BUT I SHALL STAND
AS BEST I CAN,
MY PEACE SIGN FLYING FREELY,
AND MY HANDS RAISED HIGH IN PRIDE
OF BEING YOUR BRIDE.
NOT AFRAID.
AND CERTAINLY NOT ASHAMED
TO SAY YOUR NAME.
MY SWEET JESUS.
1 CORINTHIANS 1:11-17 -- MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, SOME FROM CHLOE'S HOUSEHOLD HAVE INFORMED ME THAT THERE ARE QUARRELS AMON YOU. WHAT I MEAN IS THIS: ONE OF YOU SAYS, "I FOLLOW PAUL"; ANOTHER, "I FOLLOW APOLLOS"; ANOTHER, "I FOLLOW CEPHAS"; STILL ANOTHER, "I FOLLOW CHRIST." IS CHRIST DIVIDED? WAS PAUL CRUCIFIED FOR YOU? WERE YOU BAPTIZED IN THE NAME OF PAUL? I THANK GOD THAT I DID NOT BAPTIZE ANY OF YOU EXCEPT CRISPUS AND GAIUS, SO NO ONE CAN SAY THAT YOU WERE BAPTIZED IN MY NAME. (YES, I ALSO BAPTIZED THE HOUSEHOLD OF STEPHANAS; BEYOND THAT, I DON'T REMEMBER IF I BAPTIZED ANYONE ELSE.) FOR CHRIST DID NOT SEND ME TO BAPTIZE, BUT TO PREACH THE GOSPEL -- NOT WITH WISDOM AND ELOQUENCE, LEST THE CROSS OF CHRIST BE EMPTIED OF ITS POWER.
"YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH."
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."
"YOU ARE STUPID AND UGLY, AND, LEST I FORGET,
YOU BELONG IN AN INSANE ASSYLUM."
I GET IT.
I DON'T BELONG.
IN OTHER WORDS, THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME.
I WILL DO WHATEVER MY SWEET JESUS
ASKS OF ME.
WHO AM I TO QUESTION HE WHO CREATED ME?
EVEN IF I EXPRESS MYSELF THROUGH POETRY,
WHO ARE YOU TO SAY
I DON'T HAVE A SAY?
WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME I AM NOT DESERVING
OF LOVE?
I KNOW I'M DIFFERENT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRILL IT INTO ME
RELENTLESSLY.
I KNOW I DON'T BELONG.
BUT THE HARSH WORDS?
NEED THEY CONTINUE TO THIS DAY?
I GET IT.
I'M AN EMBARASSMENT.
I'M THE ONE TO BLAME.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
MY SWEET JESUS, MY KING,
JEHOVAH JIRAH,
CALLS ME BEAUTIFUL.
AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME.
PSALM 139:14 - I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE, YOUR WORKS ARE WONDERFUL, AND I KNOW THAT FULL WELL.
PSALM 34:18 - THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED AND SAVES THOSE WHO ARE CRUSHED IN SPIRIT.
EPHESIANS 4:29 -- DO NOT LET ANY UNWHOLESOME TALK COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTHS, BUT ONLY WHAT IS HELPFUL IN BUILDING OTHERS UP ACCORDING TO THEIR NEEDS, THAT IT MAY BENEFIT THOSE WHO LISTEN.
SHE'S DIFFERENT,
SHE'S WEIRD,
SHE'S JUST WAY TOO SENSITIVE,
CRIES TOO EASILY,
AND, O YES,
SHE'S ONE OF THOSE JESUS FREAKS.
YOU KNOW THE KIND,
THAT DOES WHATEVER GOD TELLS HER TO DO,
EVEN IF IT'S BLOGGING HER CRAZY POETRY
ON YOUTUBE.
YOU HAVE TO HOLD HER DOWN
TO NOT TALK ABOUT JESUS
YOU REALLY WANT TO BE AROUND HER?
THEN YOU ARE CRAZY, TOO.
SHE FORGIVES THOSE WHO HAVE
CRUSHED HER HEART.
SHE LOVES THE HOMELESS PERSON,
HANDS HELD OUT,
JUST WANTING TO BE TREATED LIKE A PERSON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
SHE LIKES TO ACT, SHE LIKES TO WRITE,
HER HEART IS TOO SOFT,
AND SHE HAS NEVER FIT IN.
THE WORLD AND EVEN SOME CHRISTIANS
WOULD CLASSIFY HER
AS A 'WEIRDO',
BUT TO HER PRECIOUS SWEET JESUS,
SHE IS A PRINCESS.
A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE.
1 CORINTHIANS 1:25 -- BUT GOD CHOSE THE FOOLISH THINGS OF THE WORLD TO SHAME THE WISE; GOD CHOSE THE WEAK THINGS OF THE WORLD TO SHAME THE STRONG.
ROMANS 9:20 -- BUT WHO ARE YOU, A HUMAN BEING, TO TALK BACK TO GOD? "SHALL WHAT IS FORMED SAY TO THE ONE WHO FORMED IT, 'WHY DID YOU MAKE ME LIKE THIS?'"
YOU GIVE US ALL A BAD NAME.
YOU WALK INTO CHURCH
DRESSED IN YOUR DESIGNER SUITS
AND HAVE THE AUDACITY
TO ASSUME YOU CAN COME IN AT THE LAST MINUTE
AND THROW DOWN YOUR DESIGNER PURSE
AND DESIGNER BIBLE
FRONT ROW CENTER
WHEN I HAVE TO HAVE SPECIAL PERMISSION
TO SIT THERE
'CUZ I GUESS
I DON'T KNOW THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
'CUZ, YOU SEE,
IF IT'S NOT OBVIOUS TO YOUR DESIGNER SELF,
I HAVE DIFFICUTLY STANDING ON MY OWN
OR EVEN JUST GETTING AROUND.
I'M A TAD HANDIE,
AS I LIKE TO SAY.
I AM AT CHURCH ON OUR HOLY DAY,
OUR DAY OF REST,
BECAUSE, FIRST OF ALL,
I LOVE FELLOWSHIPPING
AND PRAISING OUR KING.
AND, O YES,
IT'S USUALLY THE ONLY DAY
I HAVE THE STRENGTH
TO GET MY CONSTANTLY SORE BODY
OUT OF BED.
SO WHEN I SEE SOMEONE DISRESPECTING MY SWEET JESUS
BY CHEWING GUM, MAKING YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A COW
CHEWING IT'S
CUD BTW
DESPITE YOUR DESIGNER HAIRCUT.
AND PLAYING ON YOUR EXPENSIVE DESIGNER
SMART PHONE
SHOWING OFF YOUR DESIGNER MANICURE
THE ENTIRE TIME.
HONESTLY?
AND YOU AND THAT WOMAN, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
'CUZ I TRY TO SHOW JESUS' LOVE TO YOU
EVERY TIME I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO BE THERE.
AND THIS ENTIRE TIME,
I THINK ABOUT A YEAR NOW,
APPROXIMATELY,
YOU APPARENTLY FIND IT DIFFICULT
TO UTTER MORE THAN A FEW WORDS TO ME,
HAVE NEVER ONCE SAID GOODBYE,
AND DO YOU REALLY LISTEN, DO YOU CARE,
DO YOU WANT ME TO RESPOND
WHEN YOU ASK ME HOW I AM?
AND IT'S SAD
'CUZ
I WATCH MY SWEET LIZZIE PRAISING HER KING,
HANDS UNASHAMEDLY RAISED HIGH,
JESUS' LOVE SHINING THROUGH HER BEAUTIFUL FACE.
SHE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD
DESIGNER EVERYTHING
AND MAY NOT HAVE THE HONOR
OF KNOWING THE RIGHT PERSON,
'CEPT FOR SWEET LITTLE MOI'.
AND SHE HAD TO FIGHT TO SIT UP CLOSE.
WHAT?
DID I HAVE THE GALL TO TAKE YOUR SEAT?
I"M SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE YOUR PARTICULAR NAME
CARVED ON THIS PARTICULAR PEW.
AND THEN, YOUR FRIEND, THAT USHER,
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
THAT DAY THAT SWEET FRIEND OF MINE WASN'T THERE, YOU MADE ME CRY.
YOU YELLED AT ME.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT
THAT IF I WAS NOT SAVED
AND THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME COMING THERE
IF I WOULD EVER COME BACK,
IF I WOULD EVER OPEN MY CRUSHED
BROKEN
HARLET HEART
AND INVITE MY SWEET JESUS INSIDE?
NICE JOB, NOT PLANTING SEEDS.
WHAT YOU DO, GOSSIPING AND BACKBITING
AND JUDGING, ALL OF YOU, PASTORS ON DOWN,
HURTS MY HEART,
MAKES ME CRY.
AND I WONDER TO MYSELF,
DOES IT DO THE SAME THING TO OUR KING?
MATTHEW 7:15 -- "WATCH OUT FOR FALSE PROPHETS. THEY COME TO YOU IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING, BUT INWARDLY THEY ARE FEROUCIOUS WOLVES.
MATTHEW 10:16 -- "I AM SENDING YOU OUT LIKE SHEEP AMONG WOLVES. THEREFORE BE AS SHREWD AS SNAKES AND AS INNOCENT AS DOVES.
LUKE 10:3 -- GO! I AM SENDING YOU OUT LIKE LAMBS AMONG WOLVES.
ACTS 20:29 -- I KNOW THAT AFTER I LEAVE, SAVAGE WOLVES WILL COME IN AMONG YOU AND WILL NOT SPARE THE FLOCK.
I SHOULD BE HAPPY TODAY,
FOR I HAVE MADE A BEAUTEOUS BFF,
SOMETHING THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED TO ME
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU SEE, LIZZIE AND ME, WE JUST CLICKED.
IT WAS GOD. HE HAS A PLAN.
AND, PRAISE MY SWEET JESUS,
HE HAS BLESSED ME SO I CAN NOT ONLY BLESS HER,
BUT HER BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS AS WELL,
WHO CALL ME, PRAISE MY SWEET JESUS, AUNTIE SHERRIE.
YOU SEE, I HAVE NO GRANDCHILDREN.
I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE SOME BY NOW.
BUT ONE NIGHT, PRAYING ABOUT IT, CRYING,
PRAYING, CRYING, PRAYING, CRYING...
WHAT? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE YOURSELF,
ON YOUR KNEES IN SUPPLICATION TO GOD, OUR MAKER?
GOD REMINDED ME OF WHAT HE HAD TOLD ABRAHAM
AND TO LOOK UP IN THE SKY
AND LOOK UP AT THE STARS AT NIGHT
AND THAT'S HOW MANY GRANDCHILDREN
I WOULD HAVE. I WOULD BE JOYFULLY SATISFIED.
AND NOW ALL OF THESE NIECES AND NEPHEWS,
AND EVEN A NEW SON IN ALEXANDRIA EGYPT
AND HIS FRIENDS.
SO, WHY, MY SOUL, ARE YOU SO DOWNCAST?
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THERE ARE TIMES
WHEN I FEEL MY LIFE IS IN DANGER.
AND THOSE USHERS YELLING AT ME,
MOCKING MY DISABILITY?
REALLY???
AND THEN HAVE SO CALLED MEN AND WOMEN OF GOD
MOCK MY SPIRITUAL GIFTS?
WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
EXCUSE' MOI' BUT I WAS AWARE THAT IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE
THAT JESUS IS THE SAME TODAY, TOMORROW AND YESTERDAY.
HELLO.
I KNOW I AM NOT ONLY SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE THEM,
BUT FORGET THEIR ATROCITIES AS WELL.
SO THAT IS WHY I MUST FOR MY OWN HEALTH
AND MY OWN HEART
AND MY OWN SOUL
NOT JUST FORGIVE, BUT FORGET.
AFTER ALL, GOD HAS NOT ONLY FORGIVEN
BUT FORGOTTEN ALL MY SINS,
EACH AND EVERY NUMEROUS ONE OF THEM,
AND THROWN THEM INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE.
SO WHO AM I TO HOLD A GRUDGE?
AND MY BEAUTIFUL SWEET BFF LIZZIE...
HER LITTLE LIGHT? IT'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF A LIGHTHOUSE.
MY BEAUTEOUS LIZZIE, MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER,
I PRAY THAT YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF THE WAY I DO,
THE WAY OUR SWEET JESUS, OUR MAKER, SEES YOU TOO.
AND HER DAUGHTER CLOE ALREADY LOVES ME.
SEE HOW MUCH LOVE THAT IS RETURNED TO YOU
WHEN YOU WALK IN LOVE AND FAITH
THROUGH EVERY SINGLE STORM THAT IS SENT YOUR WAY?
NOT THAT I'M BLESSING HER TO BE BLESSED IN RETURN.
I AM JUST ASKING MYSELF WWJD, OKEY DOKEY?
YOU CANNOT WALK AROUND THESE STORMS.
THERE ARE NO DETOURS,
AT LEAST NONE THAT I WOULD SUGGEST YOU TAKE.
STORMS ARE MEANT TO PURIFY US,
AND WE MAKE IT THROUGH THEM,
AS CHRISTIANS,
BY EITHER HOLDING MY SWEET JESUS' HAND
OR, IN THE WORST, GLOOMY, MISTY, MURKY, NEBULOUS
PARTS, HE WILL CARRY US.
CARRY ME TODAY, MY SWEET JESUS.
AND THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR BLESSING ME
WITH A YOUNGER SISTER IN JESUS, LIZZIE.
FOR SHE IS NOT ONLY BEAUTEOUS, BUT WISE AS WELL.
AND STRONG.
AND I NEED THAT.
YOU KNEW THAT TOO, DIDN'T YOU LORD?
PSALM 42:5 -- WHY, MY SOUL, ARE YOU DOWNCAST? WHY SO DISTURBED IN ME? PUT YOUR HOPE IN GOD, FOR I WILL YET PRAISE HIM, MY SAVIOR AND MY GOD.
