UNBEARABLE. PLEASE, DADDY, NEVER LEAVE ME.

Unbearably,
just a definition,
some word
some person or other,
wherever or whenever,
made up,
had an epiphany,
whatever.
Honestly,
It doesn't at this particular 
time and space
matter.
Not to be offensive,
because it is a very good word,
if I am to be honest,
which I am,
quite to mine and others around me
embarrassment. 
I love words, though;
love learning new ones.
You are never too old to learn.
But, as I was quite positive
but in actuality didn't previously mention,
I was in what I don't quite like
admitting out loud so to speak,
in an altercation.
Well, as I was trying to explain,
yesterday was most particularly detrimental
to my over dramatic soul.
Just to give you a vision:
My hands are still shaking,
there are bruises on my wrists,
I hurt more than normal,
and even though, praise God,
my physically strong heart, is,
in actuality,
very deeply cut and scarred and worn out already.
Enough is enough.
(I'm ready to go right here,
right now Lord, please.
Haven't I written enough?
My fingertips are bleeding
from all of this typing.
Okay, not really,
and I know you know that I was lying
before I even said it.)
Yes, finally, I have learned
after only sixty years of life,
that,
for my own sanity,
I must and deeply believe
that I need to beg for forgiveness
if I ever want to ever again
get close
to that beautiful alter,
even though,
because of this dumb hurting knee,
I am unable to physically kneel
before my loving Lord.
I truly believe,
though,
that Jesus knows
I am kneeling
metaphorically.
I must admit,
unpretentiously,
that I was not an innocent
in this most dishonorable incident.
I, to help myself forgive and heal,
openly admit
to my Heavenly Savior,
and somehow, I suppose,
to anyone who reads my little
nearly daily missives,
that
I was angry,
frustrated with the medical system,
in much more pain than when I had left home,
and so exhausted of being unable
to do much of anything.
I know that is no excuse,
especially for a Christian.
But I am a sinner
and have never once said that I was perfect.
Far from it.
I am very stubborn,
and very much dislike being treated
as an invalid.
I blame
that Scottish King
who started this entire gene thing.
So, this morning,
feeling crushed
I beg for His forgiveness
for being so utterly useless.
I used to be so strong,
a very good long-distance swimmer,
and loved volunteering at the local homeless shelter.
Even though,
for the record,
all I was physically able to do
was to sit at the tables
and have conversations
with anyone who wanted to sit down with me.
I'm a writer,
so I'm naturally nosy,
but I pray
they can see the glow of Jesus' light
in me.
And they seem to receive some sort of comfort
from just having someone treat them as human
and listen to their story,
But, seeing through a glass darkly,
my only choice is to put my trust in my Father,
continue my mission,
plead the blood of Jesus,
and forgive
or my already 
scarred and broken heart
will have more scars than it could possibly handle.
Walk in faith, and all that, you know.

PROVERBS 4:23

ABOVE ALL ELSE,

GUARD YOUR HEART,

FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO

FLOWS FROM IT.

2 CORINTHIANS 5:7

FOR WE LIVE BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT.