IT'S A FREE COUNTRY

NOPE.
NO WAY, NO HOW.
NOT IN THE INNER CIRCLE.
NEVER HAVE BEEN.
IN FACT, I SINCERELY DOUBT
THAT MY PASTOR EVEN KNOWS MY NAME
OR THE SHAMEFUL THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING
IN HIS OWN CHURCH, IN HIS OWN DOMAIN
THE DISCREPCT, THE JUDGING AND HYPOCRACY.
NO, I'M NOT GOING CRAZY.
I KNOW IT'S NOT JUST ME.
AND THOSE OF US WHO ARE TORN,
HURTING SO MUCH INSIDE,
FEELING AS IF WE DO NOT BELONG,
ARE MADE TO FEEL WORSE
BECAUSE WE ARE NOT WEARING THE RIGHT DRESS OR THE RIGHT SHOES.
THIS HARLET HEART IS CRUSHED,
IN DESPAIR,
WONDERING WHERE I WILL EVER GET THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE.
WHY ME, MY SWEET JESUS?
YOU KNOW HOW VERY WEAK I AM.
JUST ASK MY FAMILY.
AND I'M OLD.
AND I'M TIRED.
AND I'M IN PAIN.
AND I AM SO TIRED OF GETTING MY HAND BIT.
HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REACH OUT,
TRY TO BUILD BRIDGES,
PLANT SEEDS?
HAVE I NOT DONE ENOUGH
FOR YOUR KINGDOM.
I FEEL SOME TIMES AS IF I HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING.
SO, WHAT, LORD, SHALL I CONTINUE TO SPEAK MY MIND?
SHALL I NOT BE ASHAMED THAT YOU GIVE ME VISIONS AND DREAMS?
SHALL I NOT BE ASHAMED THAT I SPEAK THE ANGELIC LANGUAGE?
SHALL I NEVER BE ASHAMED TO SAY YOUR NAME?
SO, GO AHEAD,
CUT ME OUT OF THE 'INNER CIRCLE'.
YOU SHALL NEVER STOP ME FROM TELLING MY STORY.

PHILLIPIANS 4:7

AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS.

HE IS ALWAYS NEAR

I glance up in the beautiful
puffy white-clouded blue sky
through the side window in our van
on our way to yet another doctor's visit.
Being outside for me is like taking a mini vacation.
Just in case you have not read or seen
any of my other little personal missives,
most of my days are spent lying in my comfy bed,
my cherished Dachshund Elvis snuggled under his binky,
my cat Panda, who knows how beautiful she is,
perched on top of the stacks of pillows
practically lying on my head.
I try what I can
to keep the pain at bay,
but unfortunately
my God made me in such a way
that the pain I feel just wants to stay.
And sometimes when I am lying here in my room,
a thought comes to mind, and I try to painfully pull 
the right words out of my head,
praying that I am glorifying Jesus whatever I say
and maybe helping someone in this bleak world
with these simple words.
Please know that Jesus is the same
yesterday, today and tomorrow.
It is we who change.
He still performs miracles
as he did on my back.
One night I felt a warm hand inside my spine
and the next day
I threw my crutches and bulky leg brace away.
Never give up, never give in.
Never fear
for He is always near.

PSALM 19:14

MAY THESE WORDS OF MY MOUTH AND THIS MEDITATION OF MY HEAR BE PLEASING IN YOUR SIGHT, LORD, MY ROCK AND MY REDEEMER.

Did I?

The wind sings a melody, whistling through the leaves.
The son lights my way in this play.
The air smells so sweet
I just want to dip my feet
in that bubbling creek
making its way
through Paradise.
Did I make it?
Am I home?
Is my heartache and pain done?
Did I stay on the right path?
Did I plant seeds along the way?
Did I glorify you, my sweet Jesus?
Did I help the helpless,
give hope to the hopeless,
love the unlovable
and forgive the unforgivable?
I know I strayed a time or two or three.
But, my sweet Jesus, are you proud of me?

PSALM 19:14

MAY THESE WORDS OF MY MOUTH AND THIS MEDITATION OF MY HEART BE PLEASING IN YOUR SIGHT, LORD, MY ROCK AND MY REDEEMER.

COMMITTED

UNDERSTANDING
AND SOLOMON WISDOM.
THESE ARE THE THINGS FOR WHICH I PRAY.
TO BE ABLE TO COMFORT AND SAY
THE RIGHT THING,
THE GODLY THING;
FOR JESUS' LIGHT TO SHINE THROUGH ME.
TO BE A BEACON TO THE LOST,
A LOVING HAND TO THE HURTING,
AND TO FORGIVE THE UNFORGIVEABLE.
JESUS, PLEASE MAKE ME MORE LIKE YOU.
MAY OTHERS THAT SEE ME
SEE YOU INSTEAD.
I DO NOT WISH FOR SILVER OR GOLD,
FOR EARTHLY TREASURES SHALL SOON FADE AWAY.
I ONLY WISH TO FOLLOW YOUR WILL
AND NEVER AGAIN
TO BE SWALLOWED BY THAT BIG FISH.
AS I GO ABOUT MY DAY TODAY,
MAY OTHERS WONDER WHY I'M SMILING
AND MAY MY SMILE PUT A SMILE
ON THEIR FACE AS WELL.
MAY I HOLD MY TONGUE
IF SOMEONE IS RUDE
AND RETURN THEIR RUDENESS
WITH YOUR PEACE AND JOY.
MAY I BE A WOMAN AFTER YOUR OWN HEART,
MY LORD, MY ROCK AND MY REDEEMER.
I COMMIT MYSELF TO YOU.

PROVERBS 16:3  COMMIT TO THE LORD WHATEVER YOU DO, AND HE WILL ESTABLISH YOUR PLANS.

CALVARY

OKAY, I MUST ADMIT
I AM HAVING A HARD TIME
PLACING A SMILE ON MY FACE.
I MEAN, WE STILL HAVE TO FIND A PLACE.
STUDYING THE BOOK OF PROVERBS, THOUGH,
REMINDS ME THAT ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS PRAY FOR UNDERSTANDING AND WISDOM.
THAT'S IT.
NOT SILVER NOR GOLD.
GOD WILL GIVE IT TO US IN ABUNDANCE -
WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING I MEAN
IF WE JUST ASK HIM.
SO HERE I LIE ON MY BED
FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF YET AGAIN
BECAUSE OF MY EARTHLY FAMILY.
SO, MY SWEET JESUS,
I PRAY FOR SOLOMON WISDOM,
THE PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING,
THE UNDERSTANDING TO FORGIVE,
AND THE HOPE TO MOVE FORWARD,
TO STAY ON THIS PATH YOU HAVE SET BEFORE ME.
HELP OTHERS TO SEE YOU INSTEAD OF ME
SHINING THROUGH THIS EMPTY VESSEL.
MOLD ME, SHAPE ME,
PURIFY ME THROUGH THE FIRE.
FOR I KNOW EACH DAY BRINGS ME CLOSER TO YOU,
MY KING, MY MAKER.
DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.
FOR NO MATTER THIS CRUSHED AND BROKEN
AND BRUISED HEART,
I SHALL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU,
MY SWEET JESUS.
THANK YOU FOR CALVARY
AND SETTING ME FREE.






MATTHEW 27:51  AT THAT MOMENT THE CURTAIN OF THE TEMPLE WAS TORN IN TWO FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. THE EARTH SHOOK, THE ROCKS SPLIT.

AGAIN, WHY ME?

I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY
AND HIDE IN THE SHADOW
AND COMFORT OF YOUR LOVING WINGS,
MY SWEET JESUS,
LIKE, TODAY, RIGHT THIS SECOND.
PRETTY PLEASE.
YOU SEE, I MUST CONFESS, I AM AFRAID
OF WHAT YOU ARE ASKING OF ME.
IT SEEMS A LITTLE INSANE.
CAN'T YOU PICK SOMEONE ELSE?
WHY ME?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT THEY CALLED ME?
HOW CAN I GET OVER IT?
I AM THE LEAST OF THE LEAST,
THE WEAKEST OF THE WEAK.
WHAT YOU ARE ASKING OF ME
SEEMS LIKE AN IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.
YES, I WANT TO DO IT.
I'M EXCITED AT THE THOUGHT.
BUT, REALLY,
WHY ME?
I CAN BARELY WALK OR SIT OR STAND,
AND THAT UGLY THING
MIGHT AS WELL BE TATTOOED ON MY HEART.
WAIT, I THINK IT IS.
BUT SO IS YOUR WORD,
AND YOU CALL ME BEAUTIFUL
AND THE APPLE OF YOUR EYE
AND YOUR DAUGHTER.
SO THAT MAKES ME A PRINCESS TWICE OVER.
O, DID I FORGET TO MENTION
MY ANCESTOR WAS THE FIRST KING OF SCOTLAND?
YES, I THINK I HAVE.
BUT I BELIEVE THAT FACT IS WORTH REPEATING,
AS IS THE FACT THAT I AM A DAUGHTER
OF THE MOST HIGH KING.
SO I WILL GLORY IN MY SUFFERINGS,
RAISING MY HANDS HIGH IN SUPPLICATION,
NEVER ASHAMED TO SAY YOUR NAME.
AND THANK YOU, MY SWEET JESUS,
FOR HEALING ME ENOUGH
TO DANCE LIKE DAVID DID.
AGAIN,
NOT ASHAMED.
AND TO QUOTE MYSELF,
"HOLD ON 'CUZ IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE."
BE CAREFUL
WHAT YOU PRAY FOR.
IT JUST MIGHT HAPPEN
IN GOD'S TIMING.
BUT WHEN IT SEEMS AS IF IT IS TAKING FOREVER
FOR YOUR PARTICULAR PRAYER TO BE ANSWERED,
WHEN IT HAPPENS, WHEN YOUR PRAYER
IS ANSWERED, IT'S A LITTLE SCARY
BECAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT FEEL AS IF
YOU ARE ON THAT ROCKING BOAT
WITH PETER OR JOHN
AND ASKED BY JESUS TO STEP OUT OF THAT BOAT
AND WALK ON THE STORMY SEA.
REALLY, MY SWEET JESUS?
AGAIN,
WHY ME?

2 CORINTHIANS 12:9 - BUT HE SAID TO ME, "MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS." THERERFORE I WILL BOAST ALL THE MORE GLADLY ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES, SO THAT CHRIST'S POWER MAY REST ON ME.

SILLY WEEDS

I NO LONGER WISH TO BE SWALLOWED
BY THAT BIG FISH
BY GIVING A FLEETING THOUGHT
TO THOSE WEEDS THAT PROUDLY SIT
AMONGST THE WHEAT.
THE WOLVES AMONGST THE SHEEP SO TO SPEAK.
THEY DON'T BELONG.
AND JESUS KNOWS EVERYTHING.
I THINK I AM FINALLY STARTING TO UNDERSTAND
PROVERBS 4:23.
HOW DO I GUARD MY HEART?
FOR STARTERS, FORGIVE AND FORGET.
FORGETTING IS THE HARD THING.
LETTING GO OF THOSE HURTS YOU HAVE HELD ON TO FOR SO MANY YEARS.
THEY'VE ALMOST BECOME YOUR FRIENDS.
WHAT GOOD ARE THEY DOING YOU REALLY?
IT'S JUST THE ENEMY,
GOD SAYING - "HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
MY SERVANT SHERRIE?",
I SAY HOPEFULLY.
THIS UNFORGIVENESS AND NOT FORGETTING
IS, IN ACTUALITY,
HURTING ME MORE THAN THE WEEDS.
IN FACT, I DON'T THINK THEY ARE BEING
HURT AT ALL.
LOOK HOW FAST THEY ARE GROWING.
BUT ME?
I BEAT MYSELF UP ON A DAILY BASIS.
I WANT TO PLEASE MY SWEET JESUS
MORE THAN ANYTHING.
WHY ADD ANOTHER SIN ON HIM?
HASN'T HE PAID ENOUGH,
PAINFULLY BLEEDING PROFUSELY ON THAT CROSS?
HE SAYS HIMSELF IN HIS WORD,
IF YOU'D TAKE A MINUTE OUT OF YOUR BUSY
SCHEDULE TO READ,
THAT THERE WILL BE WEEDS AND WOLVES
AND THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT.
BUT TO NEVER BE AFRAID,
FOR HIS ANGELS AND HIS HOLY SPIRIT
SURROUND US
AND HE LIVES IN ME.
MY SWEET JESUS,
HOW I LOVE THEE
EVEN AMONGST THESE SILLY WEEDS.


PROVERBS 4:23 -- ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUARD YOUR HEART, FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FLOWS FROM IT.


MATTHEW 13:26 -- WHEN THE WHEAT SPROUTED AND FORMED HEADS, THEN THE WEEDS ALSO APPEARED.