LORD, IT SEEMS DOWN HERE
AS IF IT HAS BEEM SO MANY YEARS,
THE FACT OF WHICH
I VERY PROUDLY ADMIT.
AFTER ALL,
FOR SOME ODD REASON,
EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK I'M MUCH YOUNGER.
MY SON TEASES ME
THAT THERE IS A PAINTING
AGING
IN SOMEONE
ELSE'S
CLOSET.
AND I KNOW IT'S ONLY REALLY BEEN
A BLINK OF YOUR EYES,
BECAUSE YOUR TIME ISN'T ANYTHING AT ALL
LIKE MINE.
BUT STILL,
COME ON,
EVEN THOUGH
UPON THIS SOLID ROCK I STAND,
THIS WIND IS KICKING UP SAND
AND BLOWING MY LONG GOLD AND SILVER HAIR,
MY CROWN,
INTO MY EYES.
DON'T YOU SEE THOSE WAVES
AND ALL OF THE SURFBOARDS FLYING
CRAZILY
ALL OVER THE PLACE?
UH, JESUS?
COULD YOU PLEASE WAKE UP
AND HELP.
LOOK.
THOSE WAVES ARE GETTING
TERRIFYINGLY HIGH.
KINDA LIKE THE NORTH SHORE IN HAWAII.
I'VE BEEN, THERE,
TWICE,
SO I SHOULD KNOW.
AND LET US
NOT EVEN DISCUSS
THE UNDERTOW.
OKAY, YES, I AM GETTING
PETRIFIED.
MORE THAN I SHOULD,
CUZ I REALLY DON'T WANT
MY BRAND NEW SANDALS,
NOT TO MENTION
MY PRETTY FRESHLY-PAINTED TOOTSIES
TO GET WET.
AND IT FEELS AS IF THIS HURRICANE
YOU CALL A TEST
JUST MAY BLOW ME AWAY
INTO THAT BUBBLE OF UNHAPPINESS
AGAIN.
AREN'T I PURIFIED ENOUGH?
WHY
AM I STILL FEELING SO VERY ALONE?
I KNOW YOU ARE ALWAYS BY MY SIDE.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'M STILL FIVE INSIDE.
REMEMBER SUNSHINE?
WASN'T SHE CUTE?
BUT I HONESTLY CONCEDE,
ADMITTEDLY WITH A LITTLE CONCEIT,
THAT I JUST HAPPEN
TO BE QUITE A VERY GOOD STAGE ACTOR
WHEN GIVEN A CHANCE.
I EVEN HAVE THIS AWESOME REVIEW
BY A VERY TOUGH CRITIC
TO PROVE IT.
WANT TO SEE IT?
I'M JUST SAYING
THAT I'M NOT BEING OVER DRAMATIC
WHEN I STATE THE STRAIGHT FACTS
EXACTLY AS THEY HAPPENED.
EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY CHILDHOOD
I FELT THAT I MUST FIND A PLACE TO RUN AND HIDE,
USUALLY AS HIGH UP AS I COULD CLIMB
WHERE NO ONE ELSE
EVEN KNEW EXISTED,
OR COULD EVER FIND ME.
WHY WERE THEY ALWAYS BLAMING ME
FOR LOOKING TOO MUCH
LIKE MY DADDY?
THANK YOU GOD FOR ALL OF THOSE
BEAUTIFUL COTTONWOOD TREES
OUT THERE IN THE HOT ARIZONA SUN.
BECAUSE UP HIGH
IN THE CLEAR BLUE SKY
THERE WAS A SWEET BREEZE
IN THE SEEMINGLY ENDLESS HEAT,
AND SOMETIMES SOME
AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL DRAGONFLIES.
AND THOSE TREES THAT I NEVER THOUGHT
I WOULD MISS?
WELL, THEY MADE IT PRETTY EASY
FOR A VERY LONELY, SHY GIRL
WHO LOOKED A LITTLE LIKE A CUTE BOY,
THAT WAS PART OF A VERY VERY LARGE FAMILY
AND HAD VERY STRONG,
VERY LONG LEGS
TO RUN,
GET AWAY,
FIND A SECRET,
MAYBE EVEN A NEW
HIDING PLACE.
BY THE WAY,
SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT
OF MY LONG, STRONG LEGS
(WELL, NOT SO STRONG NOW),
I WAS BORN THE WAY GOD INTENDED.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT,
AND NEITHER IS THE FACT
THAT I DON'T LOOK LIKE
THE REST
OF YOU
AND LOOK TOO MUCH
LIKE MY FATHER AND HIS FAM.
HE PAST IN TWO THOUSAND TWO.
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT YOU DIVORCED HIM
WHEN I WAS TWELVE.
SO CAN YOU PLEASE
JUST GIVE ME A BREAK
AND GET OVER IT?
IT SEEMED AS IF THE ENTIRE LARGE FAMILY PUNISHED AND ADMONISHED ME
FOR NO APPARENT REASON
OTHER THAN THE FACT
THAT I WAS CRYING
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING
YOUR FAVORITE DAUGHTER HAD DONE.
AND LET US NOT EVEN MENTION
THE PUNISHMENT I RECEIVED.
BECAUSE, OF COURSE,
NO ONE COULD EVER
PUNISH HER
OR EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO EXPLAIN MYSELF
AND THE CIRCUMSTANCE.
SHE WAS UNTOUCHABLE.
SHE HAD CONTRACTED POLIO
WHEN SHE WAS TWO.
GOD WOULD NOT HAVE ALLOWED THAT TO HAPPEN
WITHOUT A REASON
BECAUSE HE SET HER PATH BEFORE HER
BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN BORN.
JUST LIKE HE DID FOR YOU,
JUST LIKE HE DID FOR ME,
JUST LIKE HE HAS DONE
FOR ALL OF US,
EVERYONE.
ALL THAT REBUKING
AND CHASTISING
FOR SOMETHING
OF WHICH I HAD ABSOLUTELY
NO CONTROL OVER BECAUSE MY SISTER
CONTRACTED POLIO WHE SHE WAS TWO.
APPARENTLY WASN'T PUNISHMENT ENOUGH.
YOU STILL REFUSE TO SEE, TO LISTEN
WHEN I TRY TO REMIND YOU
THAT GOD MADE ME THIS WAY
FOR A REASON.
SO COULD YOU PLEASE
STOP
TAKING IT OUT ON ME?
OF COURSE, NO SURPRISE HERE,
NO ONE WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO LISTEN.
SO THEY TEASED ME ENDLESSLY,
CALLING ME DADDY LONG LEGS.
YEAH, AS IF I REALLY WANTED
TO BE NAMED AFTER A SPIDER.
I WAS ALREADY AWKWARD ENOUGH.
BUT AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY PICTURE
RIGHT HERE,
I NOW KNOW
I WAS SHINING
BECAUSE I HAD INVITED JESUS
INSIDE MY BROKEN SUNSHINE HEART.
YOU SEE,
I WAS SAVED WHEN I WAS FIVE,
DESPITE THE FACT
THAT
MY DADDY HAD WARNED MY MOM
TO NEVER LET ANY
OF THE TWO OF US GIRLS
RESPOND
TO ANY ALTER CALL.
SO MY MOM FIRMLY
SAT ME BACK DOWN
AS I STARTED
TOWARD THE ALTER THAT SUNNY MORNING,
JESUS NOT JUST KNOCKING ON MY HEART,
BUT WRAPPING HIS ARMS AROUND ME
AS IF A ROPE WAS TIED AROUND MY HEART
AND PULLING ME UP FRONT.
THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER, THOUGH,
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO AN ALTER
OR EVEN A CHURCH
TO BE SAVED.
YOU CAN BE SAVED ANYWHERE.
JUST OPEN YOUR HEART
AND ASK JESUS IN.
EAZY BREAZY.
WHAT'S SO DIFFICULT ABOUT THAT?
JESUS WILL GUARD YOUR HEART,
KEEP IT FROM HURTING,
IF YOU JUST GIVE IT TO HIM,
NOT LET ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE IN
ABOVE HIM,
AND DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE,
AS I HAVE,
SO MANY TIMES I'VE LOST COUNT --
NEVER,
EVER
TRY
TO TAKE YOUR BROKEN,
SHATTERED,
HEART BACK OFF OF GOD'S DESK.
I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO GET ALONG
BACK THEN.
AND NOT HAVE MY MOM AND DAD FIGHTING,
SCREAMING,
HITTING,
EVERY NIGHT,
OR HAVE MY SISTER PUNCH ME
AS HARD AS SHE COULD.
IT WAS DUE TO THE FACT
THAT
MY FAMILY WAS SO HUGE
AND EVERYONE TEASED ME
ENDLESSLY
THAT I CRAVED
A HIDING PLACE,
SOMEWHERE I COULD BLEND IN,
WHERE NO ONE COULD FIND ME;
A TRAIT I MOST LIKELY RECEIVED
FROM MY SCOTTISH ANCESTORS
WHO LIKED TO DISGUISE THEMSELVES
WITH TWIGS AND LEAVES
AND BLUE PAINT ON THEIR FACES.
GREAT DEFENSIVE SCARE TACTICS
THAT I WISH I HAD INHERITED
FROM MY ANCESTOR,
THE FIRST KING OF SCOTLAND.
BUT I ALWAYS INVITED YOU, JESUS,
DIDN'T I?
UP HIGH IN THOSE COTTONWOOD TREES,
ANYWHERE I COULDN'T BE FOUND,
OR HURT
FAR OFF OF THE GROUND.
AND DO YOU REMEMBER
THOSE DREAMS YOU GAVE ME
OF FLYING NOT TOO HIGH EVERYWHERE?
THAT'S WHAT I WISHED UP THERE,
EVEN THOUGH I WAS A LITTLE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
ALL I REALLY WANTED
WAS TO BE ALLOWED TO JUST FLY HOME,
LEFT ALONE,
WHERE I KNEW I WOULD RECEIVE
THE HUG AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
I SO CRAVED,
NEEDED.
STILL DO,
ALWAYS WILL,
FROM YOU.
FLY,
LITTLE BUTTERFLY,
FLY.
STAY ON YOUR PATH
THAT GOD SET BEFORE YOU
BEFORE TIME EVEN BEGAN.
DON'T LOOK TO THE LEFT OR RIGHT
OR IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR,
OR EVEN TO ANOTHER
FELLOW TRAVELER.
IGNORE ALL OF THE DETOURS
AND DISTRACTIONS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYONE ELSE'S
PATH,
NOT EVEN YOUR LOVED ONES'.
JESUS WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.
JUST FOLLOW THE LIGHTS
HE HAS SET AT YOUR FEET
AND STOP BEING FRIGHTENED,
SCARED OF THE WAVES AND WIND
AND THUNDER,
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL
AND FEAR
DOES NOT COME
FROM
HIM.
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU
THAT GOD DOES NOT EXIST.
IGNORE THE HATERS,
BLAMERS,
AND NAYSAYERS.
I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN
THAT I DON'T BELONG
HERE
AND THIS PLACE HAS NOT
AND WILL NEVER
EVER
BE MY HOME.
SOMETIMES I'M SO HOMESICK
I COULD JUST DIE.
DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO DRILL IT INTO ME,
THOUGH,
LORD,
PERPETUALLY THAT I DON'T BELONG?
WELL, I'M ACTUALLY GRATEFUL YOU DID,
THOUGH IT'S BEEN HARD,
NOT TO MENTION LONELY.
AND I SOMETIMES WONDER
IF YOU ARE NOT SECRETLY
HAPPILY SMIRKING NOW
DUE TO THE FACT
THAT
I AM THE ON NOW THAT MUST WEAR A LEG BRACE
AND USE CRUTCHES
TO GET AROUND
OR EVEN STAND UP,
LIKE YOU HAD TO
WHEN YOU WERE JUST
TWO.
AGAIN,
NOT MY FAULT.
GOD'S PLAN FROM THE BEGINNING.
I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO SHOW ANY PAIN,
NONE WHATSOEVER,
MADE TO FEEL ASHAMED,
EVEN WHEN I HAD VERY BAD ASTHMA ATTACKS
AND COULD BARELY BREATH
BECAUSE NOTHING I EVER SUFFERED
COULD EVER COMPARE
TO MY SISTER'S POLIO.
AND WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I WAS BORN
ACCORDING TO MY LORD'S PLAN,
KNIT TOGETHER IN YOUR WOMB.
MUST I REMIND YOU?
SO HERE I AM TODAY
HURTING BADLY, MUCH MORE THAN USUA.
THAN I EVER THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE
DUE TO MY PREVIOUS INJURY,
AND NOW, THANKS TO THAT,
IT LOOKS LIKE I MAY HAVE A TEAR IN MY KNEE
AND HAVE TO WEAR THIS UGLY STABILIZER
BRACEY THINGY
AGAIN.
WHOOP DEE DOO.
BUT PRAISE GOD,
BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW WHAT, JESUS,
NO MATTER WHAT,
I WILL NEVER STOP WRITING,
NEVER STOP SHARING MY PAIN,
NEVER STOP DESIRING DEEP INSIDE
TO HELP AND ENCOURAGE OTHERS
THAT HAVE BEEN HURT, TOO,
BY THE ONES THAT SHOULD HAVE LOVED THEM
THE MOST, UNCONDITIONALLY,
LIKE YOU DO
AND YOU TELL US TO DO TOO.
I REFUSE TO STOP WALKING GOD'S PATH
WHERE PEACE ABOUNDS
EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS PARTICULAR
DARK AND BRIGHT WHITE
HURRICANE.
MY PRAYER IS THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE
SOMEWHERE I HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN
WILL BE HELPED SOMEHOW
BY THESE SIMPLE WORDS.
JESUS,
PLEASE LET THEM KNOW
THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE,
HAVE NEVER BEEN,
AND NEVER WILL BE,
THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS BY THEIR SIDE,
WAITING PATIENTLY
TO GRAFT THEM INTO YOUR TREE,
INTO YOUR PRECIOUS FAMILY.
I JUST WANT TO PLANT SEEDS.
SO, SATAN,
GET BEHIND THEE.
I PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS.
YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME.
I AM REALLY TRYING TO LEARN
TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS.
I REFUSE TO CRY, DESPITE THIS PAIN
I AM IN TODAY
BECAUSE, EVEN THOUGH
I KNOW
THAT JESUS COLLECTS ALL OF MY TEARS
IN A BOTTLE
I HAVE BEEN BROUGHT UP
TO BELIEVE
THAT IT'S A BAD THING
TO CRY OR SHOW EMOTIONS IN FRONT OF ANYONE,
EVEN MY KING.
DESPITE THIS FACT, GOD,
I KNOW YOU ARE BY MY SIDE
ALWAYS.
IF ANYONE HAS LEFT THIS RELATIONSHIP,
IT HAS BEEN I.
AND DID YOU KNOW?
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
HE LOVES ME,
HE LOVES YOU,
HE LOVES THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
AND, SOMEHOW,
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY,
WE ARE THE APPLE OF HIS EYE.
MAYBE THAT'S CUZ
WE ARE MADE IN HIS IMAGE
AND WE ARE HIS CREATION,
ONLY MADE TO GIVE HIM GLORY.
AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT I WILL NEVER STOP PRAISING HIM
EVERY SECOND
OF EVERY DAY
BECAUSE IF A ROCK CRIED OUT,
HONESTLY
I'D BE KINDA FREAKED OUT.
MY DESIRE IS TO DANCE LIKE DAVID DID,
BUT PROBABLY NOT
IN MY UNDIES.
HA HA.
THANK YOU, LORD, THOUGH,
FOR CARING SO MUCH
BECAUSE I KNOW
MY SINFUL SOUL
WOULD BE
DARK AS COAL
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR SACRIFICE,
PROFUSELY BLEEDING,
SUFFERING,
BARELY ABLE TO BREATH,
FLESH STRIPPED FROM YOUR BACK,
YET STILL FORGIVING.
AND THROUGH ALL OF THAT TORMENT
YOUR SACRIFICIAL BLOOD WASHED ME CLEAN.
SO I SHALL DO
THE ONLY THING I CAN
TO REPAY YOU,
LORD.
I GIVE YOU MY LIFE, LORD,
WHERE HURT ABOUNDS
AND UNFORGIVENESS TIES ME DOWN.
AND COULD YOU PLEASE TAKE MY
BROKEN,
SCARRED HEART, TOO?
HERE IT IS, UNLOCKED
AND OPENED WIDE.
TAKE IT, PLEASE.
IT'S YOURS,
SO MAKE IT YOUR HOME.
AND I'M SUPER SORRY ABOUT ALL OF THE DUST...
AND ICKY AND STICKY STUFF.
AND, NOPE,
DON'T HAVE A CLUE
AS TO WHAT THAT IS
OVER IN THAT DARK CORNER.
I TRIED TO CLEAN IT MYSELF,
BUT WE BOTH KNOW
HOW THAT WORKED OUT.
AND I KNOW IT'S ALL CRUSHED
AND NEARLY TORN IN HALF.
I TRIED GLUING IT,
BUT THAT DIDN'T STICK.
SO, JESUS
CAN YOU PLEASE
CLEAN AND FIX MY POOR HEART YOURSELF?
CUZ, SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE,
UMMMM....
I HONESTLY THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST.
PSALM 19:14
MAY THESE WORDS OF MY MOUTH
AND THE MEDITATION OF MY HEART
BE PLEASING IN YOUR SIGHT,
LORD,
MY ROCK AND MY REDEEMER
* DEUTERONOMY 12:32
SEE THAT YOU DO ALL I COMMAND YOU;
DO NOT ADD TO IT OR TAKE AWAY FROM IT.
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