IN HIS TIME

I CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING,

MY SECOND ER VISIT THIS WEEK,
THIRD THIS MONTH,

SO UPSET AT THIS CONSTANT PAIN,
I TORE MY CROSS FROM MY NECK,
THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM
AS IF IT WAS A SHOE,

AND I YELLED AT MY LORD

BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET HELP THE DOCTORS TELL ME THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I KNOW MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT,

AND THAT HE UNDERSTOOD,

AND I WONDERED IF THE APOSTLE PAUL EVER FELT THE SAME,

ALWAYS IN PAIN

FROM WHATEVER THE THORN IN HIS SIDE WAS.

I GET IT.

I UNDERSTAND.

THE PAIN GETS TO YOUR BRAIN,

AND IF YOU LET IT,

TO YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND ALL THAT YOU ARE.

THAT'S WHY GOD TELLS US I GUESS TO GUARD OUR HEARTS DAILY,

WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DIFFICULT SCRIPTURE FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND,

ALWAYS BEING ONE TO WEAR MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE.

NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCE,

MY HEART BLEEDS.

I DID TODAY AT THE HOSPITAL, AS I ALWAYS DO, TESTIFY TO WHOMEVER WOULD LISTEN AS I LAY THERE IN MY BED IN THE BUSY CORRIDOR.

IS THAT WHY I WAS THERE, LORD?

IS THAT WHY I HAVEN'T YET BEEN HEALED,

AND HAVE, IN FACT, GOTTEN WORSE?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IS WHAT I WRITE AND SHARE WITH OTHERS

SO VERY IMPORTANT

I HAVE TO CONTINUE SINCE BIRTH TO BE SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN,

NOT TO WANT ANYONE IN,

TO SEE THE REAL ME.

I FALL TO MY KNEES AND BEG THE LORD SO MANY TIMES TO JUST LET ME COME HOME.

ISN'T MY JOB HERE YET FINISHED?

HAVE I NOT DONE ENOUGH?

IS THERE REALLY MORE WORK

FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME,

A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING

ACCORDING TO MOST OF MY FAMILY?

I KNOW THAT OTHER PROPHETS

SUFFERED

MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER COMPREHEND,

SO I GUESS WHEN IT'S THE END,

WHEN I CAN FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT AND THE FINISH LINE,

THEN I WILL BE IN THE SWEET BY AND BY

IN HIS TIME.